Yes, dear friends I am still alive.

I have access to a computer at the moment and I have a few minutes, so I thought I better sit down and let everyone know that despite my lack of activity in the last month or so, I am indeed still alive and well.

I have no computer at home right now * insert pouty face here* But I anticipate a return to the internet within the month.....* insert celebration noises here*

I look forward to catching up with everyone. If I don't see you before, have a wonderful Holiday season.

Love to everyone.


New Orleans

I was born in New Orleans. I spent the better part of my teenage years there. I still have friends and family living there. Over the last few days I've been watching the news, reading the reports coming out of the city and I'm saddened and horrified.

I haven't had news about anyone I care about, and it doesn't look like there will be a reliable way to reach any one for a long time to come. I can only hope that by some miracle news will filter out. I have two aunts living in the city, one whose family couldn't afford to leave and one whose family chose to stay. I worry about them and the situation they must be facing now.

I'm horrified by the news of looting and violence. I know that the situation for the people of New Orleans is bleak and scary, but it always makes me shudder when the base side of human nature rears it's ugly head. I can only hope that things will get better as quickly as possible so that the scenes we see on the evening news will begin to be a little more about the goodness of humankind, and less about the ugliness.

I encourage anyone that reads this to click on the link above, if you can help in anyway, please do. The people of New Orleans are living in Third World conditions and the state and local governments are coping as best they can, but they are overrun by the need. If you can offer help in any fashion, please do.

Let's all try to remember the people all along the Gulf Coast that have lost everything and maybe be a little nicer to the people we meet today, be a little more thankful for the things we have, even if they aren't everything we want. Say a little prayer, in whatever fashion you like, but remember the people that are suffering so close to home.


Having forgotten something Very Important, Alice sits down to think.....

Have you ever had one of those days when you think, " This is not the person I was going to be when I grew up." ? One of those days when you look in the mirror and you're greeted by the face of a person you don't actually recognize? Someone that looks vaguely like you, but somehow manages to come up more as a shadow?

I've been feeling like that more and more lately. The person in my mirror just isn't me. I'm not sure who she is, but she's not the the person I started out to be. The person I keep seeing everything I brush my hair or floss my teeth is beginning to look a little tired, and well, old.

I never wanted to be old. In fact I'm fairly certain that when I was about 16 I decided I wasn't going to get old. Of course, when I was 16 I also decided to dye my hair purple and swore I would never have children....I now have two...So maybe she isn't the best me to take advice from, you think?

Still, I have this nagging feeling that I've forgotten something Very Important. I've gotten so bogged down with dead end jobs, and bills to pay and smiling even when I don't want to , that I've forgotten something I'm sure I should be able to remember. I'm beginning to feel like Alice just tumbling through the looking glass, " Curiouser and Curiouser....."



Cut, Paste,Cut,Past,Cut,Paste..Send....ARRRRRGH!!!!

This job is mind numbing! I've had some boring jobs, but what they have me doing right now is seriously mind numbing. I can only hope that after we get out of nesting they will give us emails that require more then canned responses and cutting and pasting in the answers. I don't believe I will last longer than a month if not.

I'm going nuts sitting here eight hours a day.

On the bright side, I get to listen to music while my mind turns to mush.


The price for fun.

I have just officially lost my voice. This sucks. I can whisper, I can make this hideous little sqeaking sound, other than that, NADA.

I guess this is the price you pay for having fun at my age.

I have to deal with the whole rental thing now. My landlady still expects me to pay full rent for an apartment that has exposed electrical wiring in the hallway, mildew filled carpet in the hall closet, NO carpet in the living room, a stove I can't use because I can't set the temperature and the door only opens halfway, the door to the master bedroom has NO door knob and will not close when it does have one....and last but not least, the toilet only flushes about thirty percent of the time.

What is it with me and apartments with faulty toilets? And shitty landlords? I mean what's up with this. I've never had this kind of problem with rentals before, not until I moved to Utah.

This person said to me that until gave her money she wasn't going to fix anything, because she can't afford to fix things. My comeback to that was, "Maybe you shouldn't own a rental unit then."

She'll be back on the seventh, unless I call her earlier. Hell, I just don't want to deal with it at all. I can't wait to get the hell out of there.

Coincidenece? I think not.

This kills me.....look at all the pictures. Does it scare anyone else, how much our President resembles a Chimp?


And the sky's opened....

Last night I stayed in town so I could hang out with my friend Cody. I haven't seen him in a couple of months, and so I was looking forward to just hangin out.

I got done with work before he did, so I just went to Barnes and Noble and hung out for a while. By the time I got outside, around 7:20, it had started to sprinkle. No big deal. By the time Cody showed up around 7:35 it was raining, but still nothing to major.

We decided to walk to the other end of the mall....the OPEN air mall......and try to catch a movie. About half way to the cineplex the gentle rain turned into a torential downpour. We got SOAKED. It was hilarious. We had to walk all the way back down the length of the mall to get to his car and by that time we looked like we had been swimming, not a dry spot on us.

Luckily, Cody has nifty seat warmers....that made for an interesting ride home. We got out to Tooele and decided to catch a movie. And yes, we are both still soaking wet. And about to go and sit in an air conditioned theater.

We saw Must Love Dogs, which is a very funny movie. Makes me remember why I swore I was going to marry John Cusak one day. Yummy!!!

All in all, it was a great night! Even with the rain.


Jorgelives......Read It!!!!!!!!!

I noticed recently that my friend Stephanie has not been updating her blog. I also noticed a lack of comments ....I put the two together and thought perhaps she needed some encouragement.

Please take a minute to click the link and visit her blog. She's quite funny, and I think you all will enjoy it.

Just a moment to talk about Stephanie. I haven't gotten to spend as much time with her as I would like to lately, but the other night we got a chance to go out with some friends, have some dinner, catch a flick at the dollar theater. It was a good night.

As we were wasting time until the movie started, we just kind of drove around Salt Lake, hanging out and I realized that I have never had a bad time with her. We don't have to be doing anything really, just listening to music and talking, and I feel totally at ease, and I have a great time.

This particular night, we ended up driving down State Street singing eighties tunes at the top of our lungs and laughing at people who were making faces at us.....boring idiots!

I've decided that the reason Steph is so special to me is not just because she's always there for me, but because she reminds me that it's never to late in life to just relax, laugh and have a good time.

Have you ever heard the phrase, " If you have enough friends to count on one hand, you have more than most people make in a lifetime."? That's Stephanie....I would count her on that one hand.

Okay.....I'm done now. Have a nice day, don't forget to check out Steph's Blog!!!


Darth Tater and a serious lack of laughter

Click the link.....go on click it! I'm sorry, but I think that a Mr. Potato Head dressed up like Darth Vader and named Darth Tater is FREAKIN hilarious. Apparently I'm just way to easily amused.

I laughed the first time I saw it in Time magazine and I laugh every time I see it still. Is there no child-like sense of humour left in the world? Anyone? Come on people, someone help me out here. There has to be at least ONE of you out there that's finds this funny.

*sighs* All right.....back to work, I mean I am getting paid.


Crazy, That's the only word I can use to describe it.

I have an INSANE number of CD's and DVD's. Seriously, it's NUTS! I think I might have an addiction. Is there a support group for that?

"Hello, my name is Serena. I'm a movie addict."

It's even worse when my daughter is around. I think our record is six movies in one day. Not at home, at the theater. We got there when it opened and we saw EVERY movie that was playing. It was a great time, but then my daughter is great.

People always ask, "What's your favorite movie?" And I had to sit and think about it. Most people just don't understand that there are different moods to my movies, so my favorites kind of depend on my mood.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Strange Brew. I love that movie. Bob and Doug McKensize...I laugh just thinkin' about it.

Later taters!!!


How hard is it to be nice, I mean really?

I'm on the bus this morning, making my usualy commute to work. The woman that drives the bus I take is not exactly a talker...just sort of stares at you when you get on, doesn't say anything when you get off.

Today, when we got all the way through the University area there was a young man standing by the bus stop at campus housing. He was obviously a student and when the bus driver stopped he came up to the bus and asked , in heavily accented English, if she stopped at a particular place.

Now, instead of taking the time to be pleasant and courteous, she snaps at him, like he's stupid, "No, you go across the street."

This young man was slightly confused, I believe he was an international student and had most likely never travelled around Salt Lake before. He asked his question again, with a different street.

A second opportunity for her to be pleasant. Did she take it? No, she did not. She got even snappier, " Again, you ...have..to..go...ACROSS..the street."

Even after she had been so rude, this young man smiled, apologized for taking her time and said thank you.

Honestly? It made me want to go up front and call her to task for it. I mean it's not like she's driving that bus out of the goodness of her heart. She's being paid to be there and be of some assistance to the people utilizing the Salt Lake public transit system. It made me very angry.


A letter to my mother.....

I'm going to just say this right up front...this post is going to sound angry and hurt and I realize my mother is never actually going to read it, but there are some things I want to say, just to have them said....with that note....

Dear Mother,

When I think about my childhood I look at the few precious good memories I have and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I was not given the chance that every child should have, the chance to have a loving, lasting realationship with his/her parents. It makes me sad that the bad memories far outweigh the good.

I remember going to a movies with you as a child. Star Wars, Dragonslayer, The Fox and the Hound....I loved going to the movies. I remember you taking me to the library, sitting in the egg shaped chair in the main library reading with you. I remember the time in the fourth grade when you yelled at my teacher because she accused me of having you write my book report, you told her that I was smarter than most of the kids in the class and that I was MORE than capable of writing book reports on books that even she wouldn't understand.

I also remember sitting in my room, tears running down my face, my back stinging from the blows you had rained down on me. I remember you telling me I was worthless. That I was a liar. That I was lazy. I remember you telling me that you didn't want to talk to me unless I could talk to you like an adult. I remember you brushing me off, because you had more important things to do than spend time with me. I remember you red faced and screaming, telling me that I had ruined your life. All before I turned ten.

There are other memories of that time, each more painful than the last, but nothing as lasting as the feeling of hurt and shame that my mother would do those things to me.

I remember leaving your house when I was still a teenager and trying to make a go of it alone. I remember graduation. You told me that I could have you present at a major life event, or you and Dad could send me money so I could get an apartment. What kind of choice was that? And I remember the day I had to call you and tell you I was pregnant. I was looking for love and support. Instead you yelled at me, accused me of not caring about you, telling me you couldn't believe you had to tell your friends I was pregnant, and then telling me if I kept the child I would get no help from you. Fast forward nine months, after I had made the agonizing decision to place my first child for adoption, alone. You sent me a letter telling me that for the first time in my life, you were proud of me. Did you even read that before you sent it? Did you honestly think that it would make me feel good to say something like that?

Then five years later, my sister gets pregnant, at the age of sixteen, and you take her into the warmth of family. Help her get through the pregnancy, take care of the baby so she can finish school. What the hell? I hated you for that.

I get married. I pay for the wedding. You tell me that at least I can do that right. Then when he starts having affairs, plural, and caps it off by driving drunk with my daughter and I kick him to the curb, you tell me you knew I would be a failure at that, just like I was for everything else in my life.

You're a bitch.

The list just goes on and on and on. And for some reason, I kept trying to repair the relationship. I didn't want to believe that you could be so intentionally cruel. Then I moved to Utah and met someone, and decided to have another child. When I called to tell you I was having a baby, were you excited? No, the first thing you say to me is:" Is this one going to be legitamte?" Who the fuck do you think you are? My daughter was born AFTER I had been married. It was my sister, not me that made a habit of having babies without dads...and yet you seem to have no problem with her kids.

The one thing I have to thank you for is the fact that because of you, because of how I felt as I grew up..I am a better parent. I love my children. There is never anything more important than they are. I tell them how special they are. I praise them. I never hit them. My children will grow up healthy and whole and will never end up on Oprah cursing my name for the way I failed them.

The way you failed me.

You tell me I'm not successful. I disagree. Everything I am today I am responsible for. I could sit and whine to anyone that listens that you were horrible and you ruined my life. Instead I chose to show the world that I am a postive, energetic, intelligent woman. I use my talents to make the lives of those around me better. I am more successful than you will ever know.

I think I pity you. You are a shallow, hollow person that thinks the world owes you something. You can never find peace that way and I feel sorry for that. I feel sorry for you.


Well color me surprised.....

I just found out yesterday that I actually have readers that are not Steph, Mav or Russ. Color me surprised. I didn't think anyone at all was reading this thing.

Now there's all this pressure to be witty and intellectually stimulating.....Okay, not really, but it sounded good right?

Anyway, a BIG 'ole welcome to all my non-circle of friends readers. I'll try not to bore you to tears!!


Depressing Thoughts by, well certainly not Jack Handy.....

Recently I have begun to take stock of my life and I'm thinking that moving to Utah was the biggest mistake of my life. I've had nothing but crap for luck and one string of bad things after another. North Dakota wasn't fun, or exciting, or even mediocore, but I had a nice apartment, a decent job and no trouble.

Now I'm stuck here living where things cost to much, it's to expensive to live, you can't get around with out a car.....public transportation SUCKS.....I hate where I live. And don't even get me started on who I live with...I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear.

I'm gonna go read now....I just don't want to interact with the world right now.

Water, my kingdom for a glass of water

Okay Cats and Kittens, it's five o'clock in the morning and I just got up to make my son a bottle and guess what? There's no fuckin water!! That's right, nada, not a damn drop. Turns out that the fools next door have a leak in the hallway and they have the water main, so they turned it off. Fuckin idiots!

My life is gonna make a best seller some day, I swear to god!


Junkies, Crack Whores and Tweakers, Oh My!

I live in the most ghetto building you can possibly imagine, well for a little city in Utah anyway. My upstairs neighbors smoke pot and well, let's just say, other stuff on a regular basis....and it all comes down into my apartment through the dryer vent. They like to do things like vacum at two in the morning and run the dryer at odd hours. Fun Fun

The girl next door is a tweaker, sunken cheeks and all. She has apparently decided that her new hobbie is going to be skulking at my windows to listen in on my conversations, and then run to the land lady and play Miss Molly Tattletale.

It's two thirty in the morning and I'm wide awake because we just caught one of them staring in the bedroom window, watching us. How fucked up and creepy is that?

So yeah, we will be moving before the month is out.

God I hate this place!!!


Rap music at four in the morning....

Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a fan of rap or hip hop, under the best of circumstances. Well, four a.m. is not the best of circumstances. I'm lying in bed, sleeping soundly, dreaming my happy little dreams of....okay, that part isn't important. All of a sudden I hear rap music blaring outside.

Now, understandably, I'm a little peeved. It has not only roused me from deep slumber, it has awaken my son. So I get up, mumbling nasty things under my breath, get dressed, and walk to the apartment complex next door.

This little journey leads me to find that there is a small, blue car parked in the lot, windows down, radio on at full blast. The funny thing? There is no one in the car. Fast foreward twenty minutes......

After banging on doors for twenty minutes I finally find out who's car it is and eventually manage to wake them up. They are shocked.....it seems someone tried to steal the car, set off the radio and took off.

So instead of yelling at someone, it looks like I saved them from waking up in the morning to a dead battery. All in all, a very weird night!


Assholes and Idiots

So I got and email today from someone that fits both of the above categories. Asshole, well I've already cover that, but let's refresh our memories, shall we?

This is a man, and please understand that I use that term in the loosest sense possible, that targets women he believes to be weak and lacking in self esteem, so that he can whisper sweet nothings in their ears to get them to do anything he asks. He does an awfully good job at playing Prince Charming...you know the guy I'm talking about, the one that looks all nice and shiny on the outside, but is hollow and rotted on the inside??? Yeah, that's him.

He made the mistake of thinking I was one of these women, and then, when he found out I wasn't decided that I wasn't actually his friend after all. He mistook the oddities of Manic Depression, for total obsession....not very bright, is he dear readers???

Today, I receive an email from this sadly narcissitic man...and get this, he's asking me to add my name to the messenger list of his latest "dear friend" I mean really....how sad is that? I mean why would I want to talk to any of his inane little friends?

All I have to say is .....Sheesh!!!


Duran Duran, yes AGAIN....

So check out the photo...how young do they look? i would have been about thirteen at the time this picture was taken.

I have recently found myself becoming obsessed with Duran Duran again. I'm 34 for pete's sake. You would think that by now, I would have grown out of it. But nooooooo, not me.

And here's the kicker, I found a lovely little message board that is just jam packed with other thirty something woman, all as obsessed as I am. How fun is that?

Not only that, but there's fan fic, that's right my friends, Duran Duran fan fic. And it's smutty as hell. Anyway...that's all I have to say for right now


Yet another gripe

A few days ago my ex sent the police to my house. Yes, you heard me correctly. The waste of space that is my daughter's father actually called the police department and fed them a line of shit about being concerned for our "welfare", so the police came to my house to check on me, do you believe that?

When I called him, to confront him about this incident, he lied to me and said he was worried because he hadn't heard from me in a week and he had no idea if we had made it back to Utah all right. He had spoken to a friend of mine just days before, and confirmed that we were indeed home safe and sound. What an asshole.

I just wanted that on record, he's an asshole, a bullying one at that.

Okay, I'm done griping now.


Nobody reads this anyway

I'm up...still. It's almost four o'clock in the morning, and I can't sleep. I haven't had a bout of insomnia like this is a couple of months, guess I was due for one, huh?

Have I mentioned the fact that I fell deeply in love with someone once. Not just the kind of love where you think, "Oh, how sweet." But the kind of love that conusmes every fiber of your being. I fell for someone like that once upon a time. I was thinking about him today. I miss him.

I've moved on in my life, forward movement is always a good thing. But every now and then, I come back to him in my mind. And I know...well honestly, I'm not sure what I know. Except that sometimes, when it's late at night and I close my eyes, I can still see his face.

That's all, nothing else to say really.

Maybe I'll try to sleep again.


Just for the sake of argument

I'm going back to college in the fall. I don't think I've mentioned that in here, but yeah, biting the bullet, going back to college, and then.....well then I will have to get a realy job, with responsibilities and all. No more crappy call center jobs for me. God, I can't wait.

I have been toying with the idea of placing more of an emphasis on my English degree, switching majors actually. I think I would like to go abroad and teach English for a few years. Take the kids to live in another country, have the ability to see Europe because, well because we live there. Alexandria's father would have a CANARY, but oh well, screw him. After I do that for a few years, I could get a job editing or something, which, anyone who knows me will tell you, would be a dream job for me. I would esentially be getting paid to read. And to then make what I'm reading a perfect as it can be for other readers to enjoy. Hell yeah, sign me up for that.

On a totally different subject....I took my daughter to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants the other day, and I have to admit, it was a cute movie. I only mention it here because it made me want to see Greece. I have relatives there that I have never met, and I would like to meet them. I would like to give my daughter the chance to know her heritage. That and who could refuse the sun and the beaches....right now, that would be the thing I would look forward to the most.

Well, enough daydreaming for now, my mundane little life calls to me. There are dishes waiting to be done.


T-Mobile and the case of the mysterious Overdraft fees

April 13, 2005....I notice that I have and overdraft on my savings account ( which I use to make scheduled payments via EFT or ACH) so, naturally, I call my credit union to inquire what it's for, since no payments were scheduled to be made. The nice woman on the other end of the phone tells me that T-Mobile attempted to take a payment from my account. Odd, I think, since I've already paid my bill via debit card. I thank her and hang up.

The next call I make is to T-Mobile Customer Care ( right.....customer care MY ASS) and the clueless girl on the other end tells me after almost an hour, that I must be mistaken, they don't show any record that they tried to access my account. So apparently, since they didn't show it in their systems, it never happened. Although my credit union shows a clear record of the attempt. Hmmmmm.....odd. I can see it, I'm looking right at it, says T-Mobile right next to it.

Then the following Monday, guess what? It happened AGAIN. That's right dear readers, T-Mobile made a SECOND attempt to withdraw funds from my account. So I call again, thinking, perhaps a bit naivley, that surely NOW they would do something about it. But NO! They still insisted that because they didn't SEE it on their records, it never happened, and that I was mistaken. Then I'm told that all I need to do is fax them a copy of the statement showing the attempt and they would be happy to take care of it for me.

It is now THREE MONTHS later. I have now refused to pay T-Mobile another dime until this is taken care of, and I am requesting that I not be made to pay my bill for the month due to the serious inconvience and lack of care taken in this matter. I have, in total, faxed the same information to T-Mobile SIX, count 'em, SIX times. And today? Well today I get told that I need to prove how much they tried to withdraw, the moron on the phone even went as far as to suggest that perhaps I was trying to get out of something by saying, "Maybe you were making a payment for someone else."

Do not trust T-Mobile my friends, a company that will try to get out of something like this, is not to be trusted with your money or your patronage. The next step for me is to write to , call or email, every single media outlet that I can and to take the relevant information to my local authorities. If you have T-Mobile...switch now. Get the hell out of there! Run!!


Jobless and pissed off

Well today, for thefirst time in my working life I got fired. What did I do you ask? Did I spit at my boss? No. Did I call somone a stupid bitch for thinking that children who claim to be molested are most likely lying? ( Yes, an employee at Harland ACTUALLY said that? No, that wasn't it. What was my act of indiscretion that was so horrible, so heinous that I had to be dismissed from employment?

I missed one hour over their alloted 16. Not because I had been out drinking and just didn't feel like going in. Not because I made it a habit to be late or not show up. I missed one hour to many because the night before I had been driving for 18 hours and when I got home and fell asleep I simply forgot that I was supposed to be at work an hour early. I was on time for my scheduled shift, in fact I was twenty minutes early and was logged in and ready to go before any one else in the class.

John H Harland tells people that it cares about it's employees. What they should be saying is that they care about their employees after 90 days have passed and you have PTO....until then, if you want to work for this company....be sure to put all possible crisis situations on hold. Get out the crystal ball and be sure......be very very sure to kiss ass to the training staff. Oh, and try not to be to smart. It scares them.

End of rant.....................



There was an article in Time a few weeks back and it talks about how to end world poverty. It's about a new book by Jeffrey D. Sachs. It was a provacative article, and I plan to purchase the book. Now there is a group asking for people to sign a petition to get the United States government to pledge one percent of it's budget to ending poverty.

Look at the website, sign the petition, and read the book....it's called "The End of Poverty". People, even one at at time, can make the biggest difference of all, if we simply remember that tomorrow, it could be us, or our families in need of comapassion from a world that to often looks the other way.


It's kind of like Poltergiest that way. I have internet at home again, finally *insert eye roll here* So I thought I better come in and just say hello to everyone. Let you all *all thee and a half of you* know that I am indeed still alive and writing.

More later.


Exploding Toads????

Yeah...you heard me..exploading toads. I got to work this morning and turned on my computer and the first thing I see on MSN is the headline "Exploding Toads Puzzles German Scientists". Well who in the hell wouldn't be puzzeled by expoding toads? I mean honestly, if a toad just suddenly exploded next to you, would you look at your friends and say, " Oh look, another exploding toad." ?? NO...you would FLIP THE FUCK OUT!!

It's almost biblical, like a sign from the divine. "Knock off the crap, or I'm gonna start blowin shit up!"

Careful people, it could be us next. You could be sitting next to your date and BAM!!!! Nothing but goo. Like a bad horror movie don't you think? Weird shit starts happening in nature, no one listens to the geeky scientists and the all hell breaks loose.

That's it, I'm getting a cabin in the woods.

Ryker and Squidward

I called to talk to Stephanie the other night and she was talking to Ryker. Ryker had asked about my health and well being the other day. I was touched by this. So I decided to dedicate this post to Ryker and his fondness for Spongebob and all things Squidward.

I think that we can all agree Spongebob is freakin hilarious, but most people do not yet appreciate the importance of Squidward.

Ryker, I looked for a Squidward page to link to this post...but alas, I am at work and the IT department here has blocked sites they deem inappropriate. Apparently, Spongebob and Squidward have been deemed a threat to cooperate America. I did however manage to find a great picture of him, so I linked it to the post title.

Vive La Squidward!!!!!

Vive La Bikini Bottom!!!!!

*raising arm in triumphant glee*

I'm off to cause havoc in the corporate world now!


Has it REALLY been that long?

Wow....almost a week since my last post....well when you have no internet at home, that's what happens. You lose control of these things.

Have I told you how much I hate moving? If I haven't, let me fill you in. I hate moving with a fiery passion that just will not die. I hate the packing and the shuffling of shit from one place to another. Never knowing where anything is, tripping over boxes...Oh, and this time I moved from three bedroom house BACK into a two bedroom apartment. Now I suddenly have way way to much shit and nowhere to put it. So this means even more shuffling of shit ...one funny thing is , my house now looks something like the Library of Congress. There are books EVERYWHERE.

Did I mention I'm a bibliophile? Books are my passion. I collect them, and certain books I collect more than one copy of. I have fourteen copies of Alice In Wonderland ( my favorite book) and I have several different versions of the Lord of the Rings set. Each one from a different printing, each one with different cover art...I even have The Hobbit in German. I can't READ German, but it's COOL.

I'll have to get a camera and take a picture, let the world see just how far this book thing has gone. It's wild.

I'm going back to college this fall, that should be an adventure. I haven't been inside a classroom in almost ten years, I think I'll probably have to retake a lot of the classes I took, just because most of the knowledge is probably outdated. But I am looking forward to it. I was teasing Stephanie the other day...told her we should join a Sorority. We can be Sorority girls...( Okay, for those of you who KNOW me, you should already be snotting Coke out your noses at this point, for those of you who DON'T know me, just take my word for it....I am SOOOO not a Sorority girl..and Steph, well, I think she could make a go of it, until one of them pissed her off..then it would be kind of like one of those horror movies? Yeah, dead soroity chics EVERYWHERE...good times!!)

Later folks!


Gushing about Stephanie

I've decided that I need to dedicate an entire post to gushing about Steph. I do this not to cater to her ego ( Okay, well maybe a little) but mainly because it seems like when I write lately I'm always putting in things about her.....maybe that's because after some recent ugliness in my life, she is the one person that shone throw with glorious color. Her friendship never waivered, she never faltered in her support of me even though I had been a through ASS. In short she was everything you always dream of having in a best friend. She is that person that you know you will still be talking to and laughing with in thirty years.

And she is the person I have discovered I ALWAYS have fun with, no matter what we are doing. We can just be sitting watching movies and I laugh and laugh...it makes me feel good to be around her.

I have decided that she is the role model I'm going to hold up to my daughter. Not because she's famous, not because she's rich, not because she's thin....but because she is the kind of person I want my child to be. She has had problems in her life. She has made mistakes. But she holds her head up and continues on. She isn't afraid to say that she is angry or hurt and she has a style all her own and she doesn't care if it matches the crap in Vouge.

She is, in short, the type of person I try hard every day to be.

I don't know if you know this or not Stephanie, but with all kidding aside, Thanks for everything you do for me. I admire you!

Sting and the Amazing Stehanie (part two)

Where was I? Oh, yeah...we made our way back to our seats......

Phantom Planet....the opening act. Skinny white boys with guitars....Excellent. Oh, and the music was good too. Seriously...check this band out. http://www.phantomplanet.com Better yet....surf past the bands website, check out the blog they keep..interesting guys. (Steph....if we had been there earlier, we could have MET Sting....read the post in the blog about the SLC show....*grrrrr*)

Moving on....

They played a nice set...interacted with the crowd....I enjoyed it.

BUT WAIT...now I have to tell you about this chic that was sitting in front of us. Yeah....we're waiting for the show to start and this yuppie group from HELL stops at the seats in front of us. There were the prerequisite trophy women and the over tanned, over gelled men.....and the couple that sat right in front of us? Oh....let me tell you about them. This woman was wearing jeans that looked like she had to jump from a great height to get into them, and carrying the most ABSURD purse I've ever seen. It was literally only big enough for a tube of lipstick and a breath mint..I mean honestly, how about wearing pants that aren't so skin tight and putting the breath mint in your pocket??

When Sting hit the stage, this woman bounced out of her seat and started to dance...badly. This woman wouldn't have been able to find the beat if someone had handed it to her in a paper bag...even scarier than skinny white chic dancing badly? Her boyfreind thought it was sexy. He was fondling her butt, shoving his tounge into her mouth. Get a room.

Moving on ....

Sting was FABULOUS.....I'm so glad I got to go. The guitar player, Shane, he was funny AND talanted....here's what I mean. He is a WICKED guitar player...but the man dances like a chicken. Too funny for words. Another example of people being themselves and not caring. He was having a great time on stage, just doin' his thing, and it just added to the overall experience of the concert.

I have to say though, I have never...and I mean NEVER in my life been to a concert where the crowd sat that still. It was like the Stepford Audience. Stephanie and I were some of the only people just diggin the music and letting go. Everyone else just sort of sat there and yelled at the appropriate intervals. What a waste of good rock and roll.

In a nutshell...a VERY LARGE nutshell.....there you have it....Sting and the amazing Stephanie. ( please refer to next post)


Sting and the amazing Stephanie ( Part One)

And the music played..... Posted by Hello

So last night was the Sting concert. I have to say that it was, well.......KICK ASS!!! I know, I sound like a fifteen year old, but WOW...Sting puts on a great show. Here I haven't been to a concert in years..and now, two in the space of a month....

I went with Stephanie, who, as we all know by now, is about the coolest person on the planet? ( What? You didn't know that? I'm shocked..I shall have to post seperatly about this coolness) Anyway, originally the tickets were purchased as a birthday gift for someone...but then that someone turned out to be completly undeserving of such an awe inspiring birthday...so I decided that the best way to get the most out of that concert was to take Steph with me, and damn if I wasn't right.

We noshed a bit before the show. Laughed at the obviously cracked out woman wandering aimlessly among the tables. Talked about, well just general crap. I've noticed that even general crap with Steph turns into major laughs...a good time had by all.

After the din din we meandered our way through the fashion challenged folks in the mall and found our way to the Delta Center....and we had very good seats...side of the stage, not to high up...it was set to be a killer evening.

Then Steph decides she has to pee...so off we go. Mens room. Mens room. Mens room....wait I see a pattern here......seriously we walked by SIX mens rooms in a row before we got to ONE womens room...and there, outside the womens bathroom was the parapehnallia stand..and Stephanie forgot that she had to pee. Two hats, two autographed books and a t-shirt later ( oh and let's not forget the matching pins) We make our way back to our seats......And I'll just tell you the rest later.

Suspense is good for digestion.


Hitchhikers Posted by Hello
I've been watching the previews for this and getting pretty excited. This is one of my favorite books. I think Douglas Adams was a genius. The series that the BBC did in the eighties was funny as hell....I hope they didn't screw this up to bad.
I am, of course going to have to reread the books JUST before I go and see the movie.

Just remember....DON'T PANIC!!!!!


Test Taking

I feel like I'm back in the days of spit wads and note passing. Have I mentioned yet how much I detest taking tests? We just got done taking one, complete with essay questions and better yet, it's a freakin FRIDAY morning. Yeah, isn't that fun?

On the bright side, I did finish first, so fair play to me. Now I'm just sitting here eating my pretzles and drinking my Adreniline Rush.

I have a new friend. Her name is Michele, she's fucking AWESOME....just wanted to mention that. We're gonna hit the thrift stores together. So, YAY...shopping buddy. I need to introduce her to Stephanie, then we can all do the hangin thing. Wow, check it out, three musketeers..scary? I think so. Fun? Even more so.

Joe Bob is back...got an email from him last night..I'll keep you posted on that...should prove to be interesting, Joe Bob always is.

Last but not least....*waves* Hello Patrick..just in case you pop in to check this out!!



Wow....it turns out the IT department here isn't any good at their jobs either. There is actually one whole computer missing..I mean they left the MONITOR, but sheesh. It looks good sitting on the desk though.

So yeah, now I get to be bored learing about the software I'm going to learn, which I'm sure will take all of about ten minutes and we will spend the next six days discussing...YAY!!! This is so much fun! I'm so glad I got up early for this.

Later boys and girls


The reasons why.....

This is my second post tonight and it's something I promised to put up last week, and then never had a chance to do.

The following is the list of reasons Stephanie is my sons god mother.

(1) Cares more for others than for self, would be likely to help instill that value in Jareth

(2) Is open minded and non-judgemental.

(3) Will be able to help Jareth continue on a path of solid spiritual growth, providing him with guidance and allowing him to question when he needs to.

(4) Understands the importance of being true to your word and the importance of standing by your own moral values, even when others may ridicule you for them. (This one was VERY important)

(5) Has a strong sense of family, that I believe she will help pass on to my son, making him feel loved and valued.

These were the five reasons I chose you to be Jareth's godmother, Steph. Other friends have some of these things, other friends have different qualities. But these are the five things I think you will give my son, adding value to his life, enriching it and making it better.

An open letter to.....

Okay class, pay careful attention to what I am about to say:

It is NEVER okay to treat people like they are expendable.

It is NEVER okay to use someone until YOU feel they have no further value for you and then toss them off like old Kleenex.

It is NEVER okay to engage in gossip mongoring, rumour spreading or embellishments of the truth to make yourself look like LESS of an asshole.

These things were not okay when we WERE children, they certainly aren't okay now.

Now, to be more specific, yes, this post is directed at someone ....well more than one someone actually....

In the last little while, I have been reminded why I do not have a wide circle of "friends". People dislike it when you decline to be the simpering sycophant they are looking for, and they tend to tell people things like you're a bitch , or just out right crazy.

I can handle this when it is directed at myself. I could honestly care less what the tiny little minds of people like these, the people that feel the need to degrade, demean or otherwise mistreat other people in order to make themselves feel big and important, think. However, I do take offense when this maliciousness is targeted at my friends. Particularly when the friend in question has never been anything but kind, open and friendly. You ahould be grateful for people like her.

People like you....and by now, I'm sure anyone reading this knows who I am talking about.....People like you are throwbacks to a time before we all learned what it meant to treat others with common human decency, to not backstab, lie or otherwise engage in what is generally considered bad behavior in a five year old child.

People like you make me naseous. You are what is wrong with the world today. You cower behind your lies and your bullshit and you bluster and banter and puff out your chests with self created, self deluded bravado, and underneath it all, you are nothing more than a social bully...and worse, you are cowards, to scared of taking it like an adult to actually admit that you have treated someone callously or in bad taste.

I do not think, not for one minute, that you will change simply because I have said these things. Sadly, in this world, there is no shortage of people who will crave your attention and allow you to behave badly for the rest of your life. There are always going to be people just like you, that will smile and be kind to your face, and then tear you apart as soon as your back is turned.

I feel sorry for you, because you will never know what it means to actually have a real friend.

You are pathetic and not worth the time it took to write this, but the anger I was feeling at how you have treated her has been sitting and festering like a poison. So now I have said my piece...no one got into a fist fight, no one is bloody, I feel better and now.....

You are nothing.


Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

Frank Posted by Hello

Have you seen Donnie Darko yet? If you haven't you should...and if you have, click the link above and go play around on the website...it is seriously fucked up! Fun for all!!!

Just a little something to think about

"Think as I think," said a man,
"Or you are abominably wicked;
You are a toad."

And after I had thought of it,
I said, "I will, then, be a toad."

- Stephen Crane

That's all I have to say right now. And just so everyone that reads this knows.........I am a toad!!

(Check out the link, The Poetry Connection is a great online resource for poetry.)


My Gay Boyfriend

Josh....need I say more? Posted by Hello

I've been meaning to tell everyone about Josh for a while now...and since I have pictures, well it seemed like the perfect time to do it!!

Josh is my gay boyfriend. We talk about everything. I'm going to go to Pride with him in June!! I love him, what can I say? He's a sweetheart, he cares about people and he has a good soul!! If only there were more men on the planet like Josh!!

I love you hun!!! Thanks for being my friend!


Still Making My Heart Beat Faster! Posted by Hello

Okay, so I've added pictures to my blog....how sweet is this? Now I can post pictures of all the cool things....Oh wait....first I have to get some cool things in my life, don't I??

Okay, well in the meantime, just enjoy the eye candy...I'll post more at random....so check back to see who's the next Yummy post.


What friends mean to me....

What exactly is a friend? How do you define a friend? Websters defines friends as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4 : a favored companion 5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war -- called also Quaker

Now.... the first definition is good....but that's not how I think of friends....more closely resembling my definition of a true friend is this:

"You must therefore love me, myself, and not my circumstances, if we are to be real friends. ".... Cicero

Friends are people that know you at your worst moments ..... and are still there the next day. Not the sycophantic groupies so many people seem to want to surround themselves with......and you know who you are, don't you?

What is the purpose of having people around you that will only constantly telling you how wonderful you are? I want people in my life that will tell me the truth ...and that will except the truth from me.

I have a friend like that right now, someone I almost lost a few weeks ago because I was afraid to tell her the truth about how I felt...I'm glad I choose to trust her enough to speak up....she was upset with me, but she listened, told me when she thought I was out of line and we made our friendship stronger.

She is a wonderful person and I find myself thinking how lucky I am to have met her, to have the opportunity to have her in my life......Just to let you know Stephanie....

This one is for you!!!

Neal McDonough is a NICE MAN!! ( and he's HOT)

Okay...this is a continuation of the whole concert going experience......if you don't know who Neal McDonough is, check out the IMDB link I put in the title of the post.....he's a phenomanal actor and, as it turns out, a very nice man.....and did I mention HOT!!! His eyes...oh lord *fans self*

So the concert is over and I'm sitting there talking to some of the women I met...and there he is, just standing there, next to the security gate....and he's smiling and he's chatting with people....and I do something TOTALLY out of character for me, I ask for an autograph.

He smiles and says "Sure" then he asks for my name, signs my notebook....and hands it back to me. And then he talks to me for a minute or so......I was so impressed with how nice he was.

And did I mention HOT...oh so incredibly HOT.......WOW!!!

So check out the list of things this man has done....and if you have never seen him act, rent something or check out Medical Investigations on Fridays...it kicks ASS....

Okay...so I'm all good now, ranting is all done........

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

All I can say is OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!! That concert ROCKED!! I can die a happy woman now.....I have seen my idols and it was GOOD!!

So I'm sitting in my seat and there are woman all around...my age, some younger, but most my age and we get to talking about how Duran Duran effected us as teens and how obsessed we were with them...and I find out I'm not the only one that thought that these guys were IT. There was one lady that had made posters with old pictures from Tiger Beat, Bop...magazines like that...and it took me back, made me feel sixteen again.

Then two women sat down at the end of my row...one of them had the symbol from Seven and the Ragged Tiger on her face...she and her friend met in Jr. High, and are still friends...they had a love for Duran Duran in common...reminded me of Katina, Dee-Dee and Lylah.

I miss them....

As we were waiting for the opening act to start, people are coming down the stairs heading to their seats on the floor. So I'm watching people, cause that's what I do...and I see this guy walk by, and he looks awfully damn familiar...and then it hits me, Neal McDonough.....the guy from Medical Investigations on NBC..Holy Shit!!! More about this later.

So we all sat patiently through the opening act, a band called Iama Robot...they were pretty good, sort of a mix between Echo and the Bunnymen and TheCure.....I'd listen to them again, given the chance.

And then.......

The music started to beat and the smoke started to flow and OH MY GOD!!!! There they were. I swear to god, I started crying the minute they walked out onto the stage.....I felt like I was 16 again.....

They sound as good now as they did in the eighties......better really. And I was there....twenty feet from the stage!!! If I had been at the end of the row, I could have touched them....it was the best seat I've ever had for a concert.

They all came out wearing suits....and they stood on the end of the stage for a minute..the crowd went NUTS. Then they walked to their places and started playing (Reach Out For ) The Sunrise, the first cut they released from Astronaut.

The microphone pack on Simons back came loose and a technician had to come out on the stage and refix it....and Simon says,"Excuse me while this man fiddles with my ass." Laughter from everywhere. The tech gets him set and the show continues.....they play a couple from Astronaut....then they go into the older stuff....they played Hold Back the Rain...and you have to be a diehard fan to know that one....

Then after a very energetic beginning, they slow it down and play Tiger,Tiger...the instrumental from Seven and the Ragged Tiger....Wow...does that song kick ass live!! Then Simon comes out in a new outfit....Chauffer hat and all......God I love that song......

By this point I'm screaming and crying and just generally acting like I'm a teenager again......I mean I still can't believe where I am and who I'm seeing...it's like a dream...and yes, you can make fun of me for that if you want.....but it's the truth.

During my teen years, things were dark and ugly most of the time.....and the thing I clung to, the thing that pulled me through so many of those nights, was this music. So many times I thought I had reached the edge...and I would plug in my earphones and out would come Simon's voice and the music behind him and the edge would move a little farther back. They saved my life...literally.

Okay...so back to the concert......

So I'm standing there, jamming out...screaming like a teenage girl and John Taylor wanders out onto the platform next to us, and the house lights are up so they can see us....I holler and I smile and I point at him .....AND HE SMILES BACK....then he waves and nods...AT ME!!!! There was eye contact and everything....so now I have a John Taylor moment....OH MY FREAKIN GOD!!!

They played Careless Memories....and on the big screen is playing this Manga Cartoon......the guys kickin ass and taking names.......I want that video!!!

Okay...so they finish the set...they leave the stage and of course we want an encore....five minutes go by and then they come back on stage...

Now usually a band will do one, maybe two songs....not these guys...we got five more songs....and during Girls on Film, they brought the house lights up again so Simon could introduce the band...."Play the Fucking Bass John"!!!!!

Last song done....house lights up...show over....their taking their bows, saying good night and they come back over to our side of the stage.....I'm helping the girls next to me hold up a banner that says "Thank U" on it....and Simon and John smile at us.......and give the thumbs up sign...then John nudges Nick and points us out...and Nick smiles....OH MY GOD!!!! Was that for REAL??? It was amazing..I'm on a high now that won't end for days.......

I'm so glad I went to this show......it was eighty bucks well spent!!


Duran Duran

What can I say...it's been twenty some years and I still love this band!!! I'm finally going to get the chance to see them live tonight and all that keeps going through my mind is OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! DURAN DURAN!!

When I was a teenager and the whole world seemed like crap, and it was dark and ugly all of the time, I always had their music to keep me grounded and alive....to keep me sane. I know that doesn't make any sense to most of the people that will read this, but I don't really care.

So, yeah....OH MY GOD!!!! DURAN DURAN!!!!

I will be back later tonight to tell you all about it!


Peter Pan or not to Peter Pan??

I hve to admit....at first this freaked me out a little, but then I started thinking about it and how much courage does it take to just be yourself in today's world? Even if you know people will decide to look down on you or make fun of you for it.

So I say BRAVO to Peter Pan....have fun man!!

Love vs Obsession

Talking to a friend today and we got on the subject of unconditional love vs. lust/obsession. He had a pretty damn good definition of the two things:

lust/obsession = something or someone you are attracted to, to the point that you paint a fake picture over the face of him/her/it. you believe them to be flawless, perfect, and can do no wrong. you ignore their flaws

unconditional love = you recognize this person for who they are, and understand that they do have flaws and inperfectness. however, you love this person regardless of their flaws, or "conditions." it doesn't matter if they mess up, or if they do good, you love them regardless.

That's a pretty damn good idea of what it should be about...why can't people accept the unconditional love though? Obsession and lust seem to be the norm, but love, actual, honest love for another human being is regarded as a weakness, something you are supposed to hide or be ashamed of.

People are inundated by the social idea that love has to be fiery, passionate, hot.....all the time.....that it should be something out of a movie. Romance novel sweet. Hallmark moments in impossible shades of sunset.....no one seems to understand that love, real, abiding, lasting love is more of a slow burn.

Why is it so hard to let someone accept you, flaws and all? Why does it seem like people want to be tread upon, put down and used? What the hell is up with that?


This is dedicated to a friend of mine...not for it's content, but for the meaning only she will understand.....


walking and talking
thinking you have something important to say
nobody is really listening

sitting in the hallways
leaning on the walls
whispering the secrets you think you have
nobody is really listening

giggling and batting eyelashes
snickering at people
behind their backs
nobody is really listening

Nobody actually cares what you have to say
Nobody thinks you're funny
Nobody wants to hear your vicious bitching


Ranting because I can...its my site dammit!!!!

Recently I was reminded that most people are incapable of true friendship. They take the people that come into and out of their lives for granted, using them up and discarding them like tissue.

It's like their parents never took the time to teach them that people are not commoditites placed on the planet for their own personal use and pleasure. No one ever took the time to stop and tell them that they do not have the right to go through life casually violating the trust and respect of others.

My favorite thing about people like this is the fact that they always try to disguise their sorry behavior and lack of conscience as being "truthful". I doubt they would know the truth if it jumped up and bit them in their collective asses.

These are the people that become game show hosts, car salesmen, those tacky little women at the mall with fake smiles and perfume samples.....these are the people that have no idea what it means to have morals, or values, or to have honor...any kind of honor. The value of their worth is approximatly spit.

The truly sad thing here is that these people know exactly who they are and they just simply don't care....they cause pain in people's lives and when someone calls them on it, they have the nerve to look surprised and to act offended.

I have one question for these people:
Who the hell do you think you are? Do you really believe that you have more value than the rest of us? Because let me assure you, you don't. In the scheme of things, you're value is actually very little...miniscule in fact.

So you tell yourselves what ever you have to to sleep at night..I sleep at night knowing that I am true to my word, true to my friends...that I don't need to lie, backstab or brag to make myself feel better about who I am.

I have a sense of self worth...what do you have?


Every time I come in here I think I have something remarkably witty I want to say. Then I open the post screen and I realize that I have absolutely nothing to write about. My day has been completely devoid of meaning. Not a damn thing happened today. I keep hoping for a ten car pile up on the way to work. Or an explosion from the top of one of the mouthing. Maybe, just maybe one of these nights one of my coworkers will simply snap and start screaming at a customer.

But no such luck today. The uneventful continues. The guy to my right is still just the guy to my right. Same old jokes..Same old laughs. The mountain failed to explode on que and traffic went on unimpeded by dead and bloodied bodies. Is it wrong that I am unhappy about this?

I need a hobby.


the touch

last night he came to me
cold & wrapped in shadow
the mind diseased
slipped unnoticed into
tears unshed
over to thoughts

last night he came to me
silent & cloaked in promises
the soul tomented
sliced open the heart
that blackened

last night he came to me
comforting & holding me
eyelids on a world
lost to pain
laying down into
tiny & hollow
i'm being swallowed
singled out by the
movement of time
my skin

sunken & sallow
i'm being followed
constantly battling for
sanity and peace
my self

vicious & bitter
i'm being bled dry
endlessly screaming
my silence



( i would like to thank someone very special to me for the inspiration that led to this poem...you know who you are)

how do you borrow a dream
do you whisper it
catch it in sleep
let it fall into you
from the lips of a lover
slow and lingering
that last moment of heat

how do you steal a dream
do you clutch it to you
tear it from the eyes of a child
let it stab into you like
noise from a crowded room
selfishly hoarding what
innocence lost

how do you forget a dream
let it drain from you
like blood from a wound
watch it fade
like light
leaching out of the dawn
winter's last frozen breath

how do you watch a dream die
let the memories drown
saturated in regret
the moments torn
when does it become
enough to survive


I'm flying. Soaring. Like a bird on an updraft. A summer breeeze tearing through the sky. I can feel the energy searing my veins making me buzz. I want to run, I want to be outside in the air, breathing deep. Screaming crazy.

The mania in my brain burns through me, making me an unreal version of the me I am, crayola driven , outside the lines. A protiture of the hastily drawn person that lives in my brain. Crammed into the knooks and crannies. The silence puncutated with the screams of the voices I know so well. I need to be wild and out of control. I need to be free and unrestrained. Give in to the urges tearing their way around inside my brain.

I could paint you a picture with the words streaming forth from my mouth at a hundred miles an hour, piling up at my feet. Forming mountains of colors and shapes. I can see them, taste them feel them. I become them. Sift through them, build with them.I am on fire with the ideas tearing me apart, I will explode with them, and I will crash into the sunlight of myself.



It was spring when she met him. He smiled at her when she made a joke. They shared a few conversations in the weeks that followed and she began to look forward to seeing him.

When he asked her out, she said yes, reluctantly. Dating had never been her thing. He laughed and told her it was only drinks, not a marriage proposal.

Summer was touching the earth when he proposed. The sweat of sex still clinging to him. He swore he loved her like he had loved no other. She swallowed her fear and said yes. They held each other like tomorrow could never touch them.

The chill of fall was on the wind when she felt him move away from her. The child inside her moved and she cried for what might not be. She bled and he promised to be with her forever.

Winter froze the ground when she knew he was gone. No more long nights talking, no more casual caresses or whispered words of love. Lies leaked from his mouth, running like acid into her.

Spring came again when the child arrived. Bright and beautiful, coloring her world with meaning. She held him and promised his life would be good. She looked at the man she had thought was good and felt the sorrow leach her strength.

Summer came again and she knew he did not care. No loving touches, no small remembrances. Only more acrid lies. They acrved her apart. He only looked through her, not caring for her pain.

It was fall again when they found her. Body broke, torn apart. All she had left was a simple shred of paper, what remained of his only love letter.

Better to die a broken body, a broken heart takes to long.
as i sat watching myself
i knew where i had strayed
as i sat listening to myself
i knew where i had fallen

i curled up tight
i cried a tear or two
i stretched myself
and found the end

mottled colors against
my background stain
i found the center
and I gripped
it tight
held it to me like
a child

broken sentences
puncuated with pain
cries of
torment in time with
a heartbeat long forgotten

I need a watch.I hate not knowing what time it is. Sitting and staring. Wondering," Am I late, or am I early?" Not that I'm, particularly good at waiting to begin with, 'cuz I'm not. I suck at it. I shift. I pace. I get annoyed. And I seem to be in a perpetual state of waiting.Waiting for payday. Waiting for work to end. Waiting for him to call. Waiting for the bus. Waiting for sleep to come. Waiting..... always waiting. It's just so anti-climatic. Because finally payday does come. And work is over. And he does call. And the bus arrives. And sleep comes. And then what? Where are all the bells and whistles that reward us for the hours we wasted.....waiting. For the days, weeks, months....hell, even years of limitless patience and fortitude? Quietly sitting, not complaining. There are none. You pay the bills. You go home. You talk for a minute. You get on the bus. You dream for a moment. And then?Back to waiting.It's like waiting to die. Just moving through life with no real destination. I get tired of it. I step out of line.Do something new. Anything new. Never helps, doesn't change it. There's still more waiting.Waiting for the color to take. For the polish to dry. For the movie to start. For dinner to get done. For that new book to come in.Always waiting for something.Damn.......I really need a watch.

better than a kiss

over one finger
through the others
twining in and twirling over
sliding up and around

slithering against my fingers

lifting moving
a living thing
like silk across
naked skin

pulling it taut
remebering the hands
fingers forced through
tugging hard
chin lifted
neck exposed

just before the bite came

better than a kiss.......



Today I learned that caffiene and stress are a bad combination. Today I learned that my nerves do indeed still have a breaking point. Today I learned that I actually do have someone I can count on.

Today I decided that living until I am thirty five is a good thing to strive for. Today I decided that caring for someone is a scary thing, but something I'm going to keep doing. Today I decided that my even though my soul is permenantly tarnished, it may still have value.

Today I learned I am stronger when I cry. Today I learned that I am still uncomfortable with myself sometimes. Today I learned that I want to be able to say the words out loud.

Today I decided that I won't settle. Today I decided that my worth is in more than what the last person I knew says about me. Today I decided I will keep fighting for what I really want.



i'm an idiot in new shoes
standing outside in the rain
& stooping
to stay inside the periphery

i wandered in & got comfortable
laid down on the rocks & slept
bled out

i'm an idiot in a new dress
cleaned and scrubbed
but still dirty underneath
nothing new here

i wandered out into the sunlight
& they pressed me out
all wrinkle free
smile & it will all be over soon

i am an idiot in new skin
bright & shiny
hiding the filth
with the laughter
& tomorrow is another day.



the cold air on my skin
all hard nipples
& warm lips

my mind wanders to places
& it lays there
gasping for breath

breasts aching
where teeth had

wet between the thighs
moaning biting screaming

conversation in between
labored breaths
trying to remember the last thing he said


And Then There Were Men

They hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They'll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your moods and ways they put a curse on;They'd make of you another person.They cannot let you go your gait;They influence and educate.They'd alter all that they admired.They make me sick, they make me tired.

"Men" Dorothy Parker

And that's all I have to say tonight.


You sit all day, in one place and you stare at your computer screen or your cash register or whatever it is you do and at the end of the day, you go home. Do you ever wonder what happened to that little kid inside of you that wanted to be a princess? Or a cowboy? Or an astronaut? Or a painter? What happened to the child that could look at a toilet paper roll and see it's infintie possibilities? Where is the wide eyed wonder that made us itch to go outside on a warm May afternoon and run until our lungs burst? When exactly did we lose that part of ourselves? And where do we find them? I remember staring out the window of my elemnetary school, wishing that the clock would move faster because the sun was that perfect shade of yellow and I couldn't wait to get out into it. Now, I try and take time to get outside and sit in the sun, face upturned, soaking in the heat and the smell of a spring day. But all too often the joy of basking in nature's glow is replaced with bills to pay and laudry to do and errands to run. And the world marches on. Until I look at my eleven year old daughter, who can still see the infinite possibilities in the world. For her every day is a new adventure, every piece of paper is a story waiting to be told, every crayon is a Picasso waiting to be created. And I smile. I grab onto her enthusiasm for life and I hold it tight to my heart. I love my child for many reasons, but the one I love her the most for is because she keeps me young.


There are things in this life that just make us happy, even if we don't know why. I love Sock Monkeys. Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you, but they make me smile. I think it's the smile...maybe it's the absurd red mouth.

Check out the history of the sock monkey:


Or build one for yourself:

Everyone needs a sock monkey, the world would be a happier place.


What I know

What I know is this....

I know that I miss you when you aren't here. I know that you slip into places you shouldn't be. I know that I can still feel the way your voice slides over my skin, touching me in intimate places.

I know that when I close my eyes I can still see you. I know that at night sometimes I move my fingers over the dark and imagine you there. I know that I miss you. I know that I can see the curve of your jaw, where my fingers traced it so many times.

I know that tomorrow I will sit and I will daydream...and you will be there. I know that in the years to come I will wonder what might have been.

I know that I will cry.

These are the things I know.