Would you like dessert tonight?

I am a waitress......again.

I can not express in words how much this pisses me off. I hate waiting tables. I hate the fact that our government seems to feel it's okay to pay third world wages for a pretty demanding job based on the assumption that people will leave a 20% gratuity. I hate having to deal with snotty, overly demanding customers. I hate the fact that I'm expected to share my tips with hosts and hostess that get paid four dollars an hour more than I do, basically for seating people and getting them their drinks.

So, why, you wonder, did I take the job? Because I needed to. Russ's job is slow, really slow and we need the money. Like,"Which bill should we pay today?" need the money. My working isn't something we can afford to wait on any longer. So I'm a waitress....for now.

What this means is you can look forward to many, many posts of me ranting about how much I hate being a waitress. Feel free to tell me to get over myself.


Naivete, I wear it so well

I consider myself a fairly educated woman. I like to think I keep up with current events, stay up to date on the issues and maintain a reasonably active voice. After the recent post I did about Representative Sally Kern and her despicable remarks, I realized I'm not as educated on the issues or vocal as I like to think.

Since that post I have been receiving emails from the Utah Pride Center as well as emails from The Human Rights Campaign. It's been an eye opening period of time.

I'll be the first to admit that when I hear the phrase "human rights" I think of people of other ethnicity's or people in third world countries or countries with non-democratic governments, I don't think of the GLBT community. If you say "civil rights" I think along those lines, but not "human rights". I'm ashamed of that.

Until just recently I was in that place that I think a lot of well meaning people are in. I have gay, lesbian and transgender friends. I know that there are issues that effect them. But I didn't really believe that our society or our government would allow them to be treated like second class citizens. What a wake up call for me.

The GLBT community isn't just dealing with random acts of discrimination by a few individuals. It's not something that can just be shrugged off as an isolated incident. These men and women are being told by governing bodies, medical administrators, religious leaders and whole other sections of our society that they don't count as much as people who have heterosexual relationships. It's absurd to say the least.

A part of me had always believed that while the law did not "technically" recognize gay and lesbian partners as family in cases of emergency doctors and other health care professionals would have compassion and share important information. Not so. They are shut out and left to wonder what is happening to the person they love.

If a gay or lesbian couple purchases property together or has children together they don't have the same protections that a heterosexual couple would be given in cases of divorce or spousal death. The remaining partner is treated like a stranger.

For a long time now I have taken the stance that not allowing people like Sally Kern to continue with their hate filled agendas was about protecting the larger good. After everything I've learned, the "greater good" seems somehow less important, if that makes any sense. I can not, in good conscience, live in a world where an entire group of people are treated as second class because they don't fit the mold that one narrow minded section of our populace wants to perpetuate.

Okay...stepping off the soapbox now, but don't be surprised to see it come back out later.


I hate job hunting. I have always hated job hunting. The whole process seems silly and out-dated to me. I'm over qualified for this job, I'm under qualified for that one. I'm perfect for that third position, but for some reason I just "don't fit"....Every time I go into an interview I want to look the person interviewing me in the eye and say,"Look, if I didn't know I have the skills you were looking for, I wouldn't have bothered applying for the job. I'm an adult, I'm educated and I will give the best that I can when I'm at work. Beyond that, I don't know what 'perfect answer' you're looking for."

Of course, in the real world, such a thing would be looked upon as being disrespectful or some other bullshit.

I just really hate looking for a job.....seriously, it's like a bad date that never ends.


And here we all thought the problem was rising inflation and a probable recession....

Well folks, it looks like the real culprit is "the gays". Just typing that makes me snort. It's like listening to your grandmother lean across the table at a holiday dinner to whisper "those people" when she's telling a story she heard from Matilda down the hall at the retirement community.

Over the weekend, Representative Sally Kern of Oklahoma delivered a speech to a small group of constituents. She thought she was only talking to the 50 or so people present in the room, well welcome to the 21st century honey, the whole world is listening now. Representative Kern went on a rant about the "gay threat" to our country.

After I heard this speech I went and did some looking, because I was shocked that I hadn't heard anything about this in the news. I found a posting on a discussion board from Oklahoma City. People are ashamed and outraged. One poster included an reply to an email sent to Representative Kern:

Her response to an email message from someone questioning her comments:

"Thank you for your email. I appreciate you taking the time to write and express your concerns and opinion.
I am totally against hate speech. Always have been and always will be. What you heard on YouTube was from a talk I gave on the aggressive movement to fund homosexuals and pro-homosexual candidates across the country and here in Oklahoma now that an openly homosexual is running for a statewide seat.

The account given on YouTube took my words out of context and omitted other parts stringing certain words together to make it appear I was engaging in hate speech. I was not and would never do such a thing.

YouTube account is a blatant misrepresentation of my talk.

As an American, you and I, and everyone else has the right to express our opinion. I said nothing that wasn't true. The homosexual agenda is real, the movement is aggressive, and it is a very real threat to the sacred institution of marriage and the traditional family unit. They are actively seeking to remove conservatives from the political arena.

My talk was to a Republican group and I was speaking about the homosexual agenda to defeat conservative Republicans. They want to silence anyone who does not approve their lifestyle. They want their freedom but don't want those who disagree to have their freedom.
I have said and will continue to say that they have every right to choose that lifestyle and I will defend their right to do so. But I do not have to agree with it and speaking against it is not hate speech.

God bless, Sally Kern "

I'm so glad she took the time to clarify which homosexual agenda she was speaking about, because lord knows, at this point I've just simply lost track. As for her assertion that homosexuality is a "very real threat to the sacred institution of marriage and the traditional family unit", I have to wonder where this woman has been for the last twenty years. According to the biographical information posted on her official page, she has a degree in Sociology, which should mean she is aware of the rising divorce rate among heterosexual couples as well as the increasing tendency of "traditional" heterosexual couples to live together for longer and longer periods. The even bigger question to be asked is, "How?" How are gays and lesbians a threat to this supposedly sacred institution?

Her response doesn't even address the statement she makes where she says that homosexuality is a bigger threat than terrorism or Islam. So, apparently, not only does this woman believe that homosexuals have some secret agenda to "turn" us all gay, she places terrorists and the whole of Islam in the same category. Nevermind the fact that not all terrorists are Islamic. She can't explain that away by saying it was taken out of context.

People like Sally Kern make it sound like individuals who are homosexual are cartoon-like villans, sitting in secret lairs, rubbing their hands together and laughing with glee as they plot the downfall of the "traditional" American family.

It terrifies me that there are people like this in control of our local, state and even national government. Such intolerence is ignorant and dangerous. I urge anyone that reads this to continue to spread the word about this woman's vile attitude. Don't let this die. Write letters. Not just to Representative Kern. Write to your own national officials and urge them to publically decry this woman for her actions. If our country raised a stink because Don Imus called a group of young women "nappy headed hos" on the radio, don't you think it should now stand up and make even more noise?

To write to Sally Kern:

Capitol Address:
2300 N. Lincoln Blvd.
Room 332
Oklahoma City, OK 73105
(405) 557-7348

District Address:
2713 Sterling Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK 73127


This isn't the first time a politican in America has targeted the gay and lesbian community and it won't be the last. We need to make sure that people understand that we aren't going to let a persons sexuality be the last acceptable form of discrimination in our country. Even if you don't agree with a persons choices, remember this, tomorrow it could be your choices they disagree with and then what will you do?

EDIT: Since originally posting this I have found out that the Human Rights Campaign has a running letter writing campaign in an effort to exert pressure on Representative Kern to apologize for her remarks. I encourage everyone that reads this to participate in the campaign and to post a link so that others can do so as well.


Vigilence People, VIGILENCE!!!!

As the parent of two I have developed highly defined views on some pretty contentious points over the years. Those of you who have been reading here for a while have seen me go off on some of them. As I was trolling the internet today I came across a story about a suburban mom from Illinois that will be standing trial for child endangerment and obstructing a peace officer. The charges stem from an incident in December when she left her sleeping two year old alone in a locked vehicle while she escorted two other children to a nearby Salvation Army bell ringer to donate money to charity.

According to all accounts, even those of the authorities, the car was not actually out of view of the mother and the mother was not gone for longer than 90 seconds or so.

Okay, this is a tough one for me. I once called the police on a woman at Wal-Mart for leaving her child alone in her SUV while she went into the store. Difference was, the vehicle was parked about 300 feet from the entrance, the windows were rolled down and the woman actually went all the way inside the store. I also waited for fifteen minutes for her to return before alerting the authorities. I think that's a really important difference, don't you?

I get that leaving a child alone and unattended is a bad thing to do. I get that child abduction only takes seconds, literally seconds, but don't we think that this may be going overboard just a TAD? It seems to me that the police department in question here is doing a couple of things: (1) covering for the fact that the officer in question was over reacting and (2) the department in question is using the woman to "make an example". Even the local social service agency found no cause to proceed.

I think she should have gotten a serious lecture about the safety issue invovled. I think she should have been made to be a little embarrassed about not thinking more clearly and maybe waiting until the weather was better and either the baby was awake or there was someone to watch her before they ran to Wal-Mart...I mean there were choices, but I don't think she did anything that requires she be JAILED. Because I mean, obviously, we don't have any REAL criminals that might need the space.



The Feminine Ideal

I have a secret. I fart. Are you shocked? I have, on occasion, been known to burp as well. I sneeze, I sometimes snort when I laugh, when I have a cold, my nose runs. I am guilty of biting my fingernails more than once in my lifetime...I have even done so in front of other people.

I know. You've lost all respect for me now, haven't you? I just couldn't keep it from you any longer. I felt like a fraud. Here I was pretending to be a woman and all the things that go with it and in fact, I was, well, human. Now you know the ugly truth.

I don't always shave my legs, or my armpits for that matter. Sometimes I go days....DAYS...without putting makeup on. I have been seen, in public mind you, wearing the same pair of jeans I wore the day before. I have committed the awful sin of peeing with the bathroom door open and poor, poor Russ has had to witness this. Thankfully, he forgives me these faults.

At this point I'm sure you're thinking, "Could this get any worse?" But it does. I have scars. There are scars from where I picked at scabs, despite the warnings of my mother, as a child. There are scabs from wounds I received as a result of actual physical labor as an adult, even though I know real women don't do that kind of thing. I even have some emotional scars that rear their ugly heads and make me say things that are less than, well, less than feminine.

I find myself wishing that there were someplace, a clinic or a hospital, that I could go to to get help for these glaring faults. Someone that could help me be more of a woman. Alas, all I have are articles like this: Surprising Sex-Appeal Deflators I promise that I will study hard and try to be a better example of everything a woman should be.


Is it just me?

I sat down intending to write a post about something that's been bugging the crap out of me. As I wrote it I was reading it and I sounded like a petulant, selfish child. I hate petulant, selfish me. I much prefer well grounded and understanding me. I'm not sure where she is at the moment, but I think if I look hard enough I can find her. For the time being though, I'm going to indulge the five year old child that still lurks in my brain....you've been warned.

Know what I hate? I hate when people whine and whine and whine about how hard their lives are when most of the shit they have to put up with is of their own making. You know the type, the ones with no kids and expensive taste that bitch about how they never have money in the bank? The ones that go out to really expensive restaurants and have the latest "new thing" and want you to feel sorry for them because they had to pay so much for the privelge? I hate that.

Know what I hate? I hate people who talk down to me because I don't have what they think of as a "real" job. I do freelance work from home, I'm a full time student AND I'm the mother of a four year old child..who has a learning disability. Oh, and did I mention we have no medical insurance, are not on any kind of state assistance and we pay for not one, but two major medical needs each month...OUT OF POCKET??? Yeah, so shut up! I do more in one day at my "non" job than you do in your eight hour "real" job. Fuck off!

Know what I hate? I hate people who bitch about how picked on or tired or lonely or blah blah blah.....but never do a damn thing to change their own lives. I hate professional victims. I hate the constant crisis mongers. I'm sure everyone knows at least one person who doesn't seem happy unless they're moaning about how unfair at least one thing in their life is, or was, or will be. As Christopher Titus said, "Get off the cross, use the wood to build a bridge and GET OVER IT!"

Know what I hate? I hate people that tell you they've "done all their going to do" for you. What the hell does that mean anyway? That ranks right up there with "it's all in your head" and "just work through it". Of course, these very same people will never attend the educational classes you ask them to go to, or come to any of the one on one sessions you've invited them to so that they can understand what might be going on inside your life or how important the recovery process is...noooooo.......maybe we should adopt this attitude for all illnesses, how about it?

*huge sigh of relief* Okay, I think I found grown-up me. Yup, there she is. The five year old still has other things she'd like to say, but grown-up me is asserting the right to self censor before we get ourself into trouble. But hey, if your inner five year old feels like letting loose, give it a go!

Iron and Wine

A boy with a coin he found in the weeds
With bullets and pages of trade magazines
Close to a car that flipped on the turn
When God left the ground to circle the world

A girl with a bird she found in the snow
Then flew up her gown and that’s how she knows
If God made her eyes for crying at birth
Then left the ground to circle the earth

A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans
Then making a wish he tossed in the sea
Walked to a town that all of us burn
When God left the ground to circle the world

A friend of mine recommended this guys music and this was the first song I downloaded, just by chance. It's almost haunting.


Save vs. Death

The man largely responsible for the creation of Dungeons and Dragons has passed away. Gary Gygax died on Tuesday at the age of 69, much like when I learned of Madeline L'Engle's passing, this makes me sad.

Mostly, when someone of celebrity passes, I note it and then move on with my day, but occasionally someone passes that makes me stop and note a true loss to the world at large. Gary Gygax is one of those people. I was one of those kids that never really "fit". I was too smart for most of the kids my own age and to young to hang out with adults. I read, I created...I was an anomaly. And then I discovered D&D. Playing D&D I could immerse myself in a world where the creatures I read about on the pages of books came to life. I got to battle them and do things that were sometimes heroic...and sometimes not so heroic. And the best part was, there were six other people sitting at the same table who all got into it just as much as me.

Every Saturday we weren't to "smart kid" or the "weird kid" or the "dork" or the "jock" or any of the other lables forced on us by society at large. We were a group united in a common cause. We fought as one. We were friends and companions. Our world was rich and colorful and nothing could hurt us. It was a wonderful place to be. And we owed it all to a man named Gary Gygax.

So, Thanks Gary, wherever you are now. I hope there's a table waiting and a set of dice warmed up. We'll miss you!

If only I could get on Welfare

Today I had to do my "interview" so we could get my son into the C.H.I.P program. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a health insurance program that is available through the state for families who make to much money to qualify for Medicaid, but not enough to pay the premiums for regular medical insurance...you know, most Americans. At the end of the interview, the young woman speaking with me said that I should be sure to get her all the required documentation in a timely manner as my family was "very close" to the income cut off. This made me ask her a question.

You see, although we are required to pay all of our bills, things like rent, heat, electricity, medical bills for myself and Russ (who is an insulin dependant diabetic) the state only uses a percentage of these things as deductions. This means that they begin by using the pretax amount of wages and then only deduct a fraction of what we actually pay out for necessity living expenses to decide whether or not my son qualifies for this program. I asked her why that was. I mean, it would be great if I could go to my landlord, the gas company and all the others and say, "Hey, we can't really afford to pay you the whole amount this month, so how does 48% sound?" Who wouldn't like to be able to do that, right? Do you know what her answer was?

"We calculate eligibility using a percentage because the fear is that if we use the whole amount people will purposely try to live above their means and then get on government programs like Medicaid and Food Stamps."

I almost choked on my tongue. Apparently the geniuses in charge think that we, the great unwashed, are just sitting out here dying to get on public assistance. They apparently believe that living on welfare is soooo attractive that we would all rush right out and con landlords into renting homes to us that we obviously couldn't afford JUST so we could get food stamps. I am slack jawed at the thought process that had to go into this.

The next thing you know someone is going to tell me people aren't really homeless, they're actually "outdoor enthusiasts".


For the last two years I've spent most of my time alone with my son and my depression. Just the three of us inside the house, going nowhere fast together. We have a comfortable little routine all worked out. My days just sort of melt into each other and I know that no matter how big I talk, they aren't really going to change. I don't really have any friends, not locally, and I don't even work outside of the home at the moment. I have night classes, but it's usually just me and a screen in a white walled room, not a lot of stimulation there.

For the last few days I've been opening and closing the same document...my resume. I open it and I stare at it for a few minutes and then I close it again after I start to feel bile rise in the back of my throat. See, I have the chance to apply for a really great job. Not only a really great job, but a real job. You know, the kind that can actually be called a career? And I'm scared shitless.

I've never had a "real" job before. I've had a lot of jobs, but nothing that even comes close to what you would call a career. I haven't really been out in the world for the last two years, hell, I haven't really been a part of the world for the last four. I feel out of touch and I'm scared. Has anyone else ever felt like that?


Oh for Shame...

Sitting in my little purple desk last night, waiting for class to begin my professor walks past me with a black bag. On the side of the bag it says in big red letters:


My mind automatically went somewhere very pathetic and very dirty. I really should be ashamed of myself, but somehow, after seeing what these things really are I just can't be.

Behold, the Pipeline Pig:

I'm still laughing.



Russ pointed out that I look like a wannabe gangsta' in the picture I posted. This made me laugh as it is the thing I am least likely to ever strike anyone as when they meet me in person. But the beanie, big ass sunglasses, smirk and slouch just don't do a gal any favors, do they?


Who we are...

I weigh 244.4 pounds.

I like to read romance novels when I don't feel well.

I withdraw into using vicious personal attacks to protect myself when I'm angry or hurt.

I am obsessed with lotions, body or otherwise.

I collect Alice in Wonderland books.

I want to weigh 135 pounds again.

I hate thong underwear, nothing should ride up your ass crack.

I want to publish something this year, even if it's just one poem in a small literary press.

I have bad knees and an absurd sense of humour.

I have awful spelling skills for a writer.

I am an overly picky eater and I fear this will keep me from traveling.

I have recently begun forcing myself to eat new foods.

I don't wash my hair everyday.

I collect old cameras, journals and love tacky knick knacks from the fifties.

I hate to eat my vegetables and so I don't make my children eat theirs, we often eat desert first because it's more fun.

All of these things make me who I am....Who are you?


Last nights assignment for class was to bring in a couple of representations of something visual. An ad, a picture, anything really. Most people brought in magazine ads. One woman brought in a parody of a pharmaceutical ad for Zoloft. Now, I take Zoloft, have for about twelve years. It manages my depression well and while I do experience some side effects from it, they aren't nearly what I got from say...Prozac?? Anyway. She starts talking about this little cartoon and I can admit it was funny, but then she says, "I brought this in because I used to work at a hospital and a lot of the people that came in as suicides were on these kinds of drugs. They make people suicidal." I almost bit my tongue in half.

I am really proud of myself for the sequence of events that followed. I waited until she was done speaking and then I waited as two other people made comments. Then I spoke up. I mentioned that I am Bipolar and that I'm on Zoloft. Then I stated that for me, being on both my medications is vitally important as they control different parts of my illness. One controls the mood swings and the mania and one controls the depression. Without one or the other I risk spiralling out of control.

What I didn't do (and this is why I'm proud) is call her an idiot who has not idea what she's talking about. I didn't point out that since she isn't trained in the field of psychiatry specifically and has no individual knowledge of the specific circumstances leading up to each and every suicide attempt making a blanket statement about the fact that people are on anti-depressants CAUSING suicide was a HUGE generalization. I didn't point out that a large part of the stigma associated with mental illness today comes from misinformation spread by people just like her. People presenting themselves as "knowledgeable professionals". I was seething on the inside, but on the outside, I was the essence of civility. Score one for me.

Do anti-depressants have side effects? Hell yes! I wake up every morning with cotton mouth. I get tingling in my hands and feet sometimes and occasionally, just for the fun of it, my left eye twitches. I am also one of the lucky few that got the sexual side effect of INCREASED libido. Joy! There are studies that have shown that anti-depressants prescribed to young adults can lead to suicidal thoughts. This is why they have begun avoiding prescribing those medications to that age category. Do medications get over prescribed? Again...Hell yes! We have become a society of the "quick fix". Give me a magic pill that will fix it now. Make it go away so I don't have to deal with it. So doctors just start writing prescriptions. Is that entirely the medical professions fault? I don't think so, I think we, as the public need to bear some responsibility for creating an environment where we aren't proactive enough in our own care any longer.

Before we make hasty judgements and generalizations about these kinds of things, we need to remember that even if a course of treatment isn't right for us, or the people in our family, it may help someone else.


Desperatly Seeking Dream Date

I'm not sure how many people are reading this nonsense these days, but I have a little challenge for those of you who do. In the comments, create a short personal ad for this lovely lady:


Only Eight?

According to this months Redbook there are 8 kinds of sex that every couple needs to try. I have two questions:

(1) Who decided there were only eight kinds?


(2) What happens once you try them all?



Because I can't keep my big mouth shut....

I know I haven't been around in a while, but this is one of those subjects I always have to chime in on. I was surfing blogs I've been meaning to catch up on and I came across a well written post at Red Stapler. Go on over and give it a quick read.

I have more experience with real life violence than I could fit into this one little post. I was abused as a child, tormented physically and mentally by school yard bullies, got swept up into violent fights in high school and saw the aftermath of countless violent acts. When I was fifteen the little boy who lived next door to my aunt found his father's gun and shot himself in the head while playing with it. His mother and grandmother were downstairs, but because the stereo was on all they heard was a loud "bang" and thought he had fallen down. They didn't find him for two hours. I helped clean up the aftermath so the mother wouldn't have to. I know what violence in the real world looks like, feels like, smells like....believe me, it's no television show.

That being said... What your children see on televison, in movies, read in books and hear on the radio doesn't "make" them violent anymore than sex education "makes" teenagers have sex. More and more children are growing up in violent environments. These environments are stimulated by poverty, lack of education and lack of intervention. The increase in violent media is a direct reflection on the situation in our society. Also, just like overexposure to violence at an early age can desensitize a person to it, so can an overexposure to sex, even the "healthy" kind.

Some people are more violent than others. Some people aren't violent at all. Circumstances such as home environment, mental health status and support networks factor into each violent act. You also have to look at things like alcohol and drug usage, boundries set by parents, school or other appropriate interventions. To what extent did these factors influence each given person?

To blanket the entire topic with "violence is everywhere" and then lay it at the feet of popular entertainment ignores the violence children see in their homes, in their schools and even on the nightly news. We TEACH them about war and death. Every night you turn on the television and there it is, staring at you. And the difference is, no matter how you try, you can't tell your child that those people will get up, wash off the fake blood and go home.

For a lot of parents, myself included, the difference between sex and violence in movies is a simple one. Blood and guts in a movie, on televison or in a game can be explained away the same way you teach your children that just because the Roadrunner can run off a cliff, doesn't mean he or she can. It's fake. It's a costume. It's pretend.

You can't say that about sex. You can't look at your teenager and say, "Well I know it LOOKED like he had his tongue in her mouth, but really that was just a camera trick." or " I know it LOOKED like she was naked and he was rubbing her breasts, but that was just pretend."

We should be more worried about the real violence alot of these children encounter everyday than the fantasy images they see. The media saturation is a symptom, not a cause. We should also focus on the fact that although there seem to be a lot of people ranting about how violent our society is, and how the media isn't helping, precious few of us are actually willing to do the one thing that would stem the tide almost immediately. Shut off the television. Don't go to the movie. Put down the trashy magazine. Don't by the next "big thing" they publish. Call the television stations in force and tell them we want them to stop showing such blatant images of death and violence. Very few people ever go beyond the complaining stage.

We all want to be able to bitch about it, but no one wants to upset their own comfort enough to actually do anything about it. It's the new American Way. We complain and complain, but when it gets down to the brass tacks of a situation, we don't ever really do anything about it.

I've never blown a giraffe before...

This weekend was spent hating the common cold, drinking lots of Alka Seltzer and watching random crap on the television. Two winners were found amid the myriad of reruns and mindless bullshit.

The first winner was The Food Network Challenge. I love watching the Food Network. I love the challenge shows and Iron Chef America. I just generally enjoy the idea that someone found a way to take food and make it EXTREME. This weekend they ran a couple of old shows I hadn't seen before and as I'm watching I hear a sentence that will make me laugh from now on. Dicussing how he will WOW the judges should he advance to the final stage of this particular competition, on contestant said, "I've never blown a giraffe before..." I'm sure there was more to the sentence, but at that point I was laughing so hard I couldn't see. Later in the same show the announcer said, in a very serious voice, "He's going to try and blow the dolphin again..." As before, I'm quite positive there was more to that statement, but the dumb ass teenager in me took over and my mind was overflowing with obnoxious comments.

The second big winner of the weekend was:

This is officially my new favorite action movie...of all time! This movie is so fucking over the top it's unbelievable. It is so improbable as to be impossible and yet it isn't cheesy. The one liners are fantastic. But the thing that cinched it for me? Clive Owen kills a guy with a carrot in the opening sequence. Yes, you read that right...he kills a man with a carrot. How can you not love a movie where the hero stabs a guy with a carrot and then says, "Eat your vegetables." ?

How was your weekend?


When the hell did I turn into a grown up?

As some of you may recall, last year I had tried the vegetarian lifestyle briefly. It didn't go badly, but because I'm just generally don't eat enough vegetables, I decided cutting meat from my diet would be akin to starving myself.

Well dear readers, let me give you a glimpse into my diet as it exists today. I now eat read meat about once a month or less (unless I go out to eat, then I may have a burger), I have started eating oatmeal like I'm a little kid preparing for a long day of snow time on the playground, and just recently I switched from regular milk to soy milk. It's that last one that really has me in a tail-spin. I picked up a small carton at the grocer the other night, fully expecting to hate soy milk as much as I hate tofu. Tofu is, I believe, one of the most heinous food stuffs on the planet. It resembles something I have seen come out of my children from both ends at one time or another and tastes sort of like moldy cardboard. That being said...I LOVE the soy milk. Not sure how that works out in the Grand Scheme of Things, but there you have it.

All of this has led me to the inevitable conclusion that at some point in time I have turned into a grown up, or at least a reasonable facsimile there of. I'm not sure if I am pleased by this discovery as I kind of thought I was a little like Peter Pan, only with out the weird tights. I shall ponder this and perhaps eat a candy bar. If only to prove that I can.

(Please note: Stupid Blogger is being stupid and I can't spell check. This makes me angry and I'm to lazy to copy paste tonight. Forgive my horrid spelling)


Love is for suckers...

As Valentine's Day draws to a close let's reflect on the day. I was up early, which sucked big time, and I have a cold so I felt crappy all day, but no biggie, I'll get over it so enough. I'm not a big mushy gushy kind of girl. I'm pretty simple and down to earth. This year, in plain English, I expressed the desire for a simple hand written letter from the hubby to mark the day. I made this request three weeks ago. I even told him I wasn't looking for fancy poetry or long declarations of undying love, just something simple.

Guess what I got? He waited until today and then, while I was taking a nap after the cold medication kicked in, he typed up a little note. Now, this really would have been good enough for me. I would have even been pleased with it..except...

He plagiarised a poem from some random guys website and tried to pass it off as his own. And it wasn't even a good poem. He stole a crappy poem. I guess he thought I would be more likely to believe it was really something he wrote if it sucked bad enough. And there's more...not only was it a shitty poem, it was a shitty poem this guy had written trying to sell it to a greeting card company. So it was a FAILED greeting card.

Apparently I don't even rate him sitting down and trying to write four or five lines telling me that I mean something, anything, to him. I can't even bring myself to say anything to him about it. I feel a little sick inside and a lot hurt. I feel cheap.

To quote J. Geils: " Love Stinks"

Pride Goeth

Last night, after days and days of 50 degree temperatures, we got bombarded by a winter storm. It didn't just start snowing, the sky opened up and a biblical amount of snow fell on our little slice of heaven. Last night I mentioned to my dear sweet husband that perhaps he should call his friend with the big big truck and ask for a ride to work this morning. He pooh poohed me. It continued snowing and I renewed my request that he call said friend and ask for a ride to work. We've only had the car for a week and my fear was that he would slide off the road into a ditch or a telephone poll, or heaven forbid, another car. I was again pooh poohed.

Fast forward to this morning....

It is still snowing. There is now well over a foot and a half of snow on the ground and while the main roads may have been plowed, our little side street has not. As hubby shoveled the driveway, we watched one of our neighbors with a newer car with better tires get stuck in the street. It was five a.m. Still plenty of time to call friend with the big truck. More pooh poohing from hubby. I mean, what do I, the insignificant wife know. I mean, I only lived in NORTH DAKOTA for most of my friggin life, right? I couldn't possibly know anything about how a car, low to the ground, with front wheel drive and non-all season tires is going to drive on 20 some odd inches of unplowed snow... pfftt...

Fast forward again....

It is now six a.m. and husband is ready to back the car out of his carefully shovled drive. I stand in the doorway and watch. Down the drive he goes and...BAM! He hits the street and the unshovled, unplowed roadway and STUCK. Tires spinning, car not moving...stuck. I watch him for a moment, then I pick up the phone and call his boss to let him know that my idiot of a husband will be late for work. Then I put on a pair of jeans and my winter gear and out I go to help shove the car back into the driveway.

I suggest that he try to call for a ride. Nope. He picks up his shovel and, are you ready for this? He starts shoveling out into the street. I swear. He shovels a good three feet out and then gets back in the car. He goes roaring down the driveway and GETS STUCK AGAIN. Only this time he's blocking the whole street because he's at an angle. I go out again and help shove the car forward so the car coming up behind us can at least pass and then I watch as he guns himself forward inch by inch, slipping and sliding the whole way, toward work.

I don't know what pissed me off more, the fact that I had to go out, at six a.m. and push a fucking car because he wouldn't just ask for a ride, or the fact that god in all his pot smoking wisdom (because I'm a firm believer that god tokes up) allowed him to actually get to work, thus vindicating him in his eyes and making it that much harder for me to win the next argument.

(NOTE: This post was going to have pictures, but blogger is being stupid at the moment and won't let me upload. I'll have to post the pictures later, which, admittidly, is a little anti-climatic.)


And people wonder....

I was supposed to have an appointment with my therapist today but my son has had the flu all week and I've gotten ill myself. Instead of taking a contagious disease into an office full of people I called in ten minutes prior to my appointment time and explained the situation and asked that she call me. I then waited until twenty minutes after my scheduled appointment time to call back.

This is what I was told: "She's on a crisis call, would you like her voice mail?"

If I had been there in person, she would have been in session with me and would not have been given a crisis call, but apparently, because I wasn't there, I just don't count. People wonder why men and women with mental illnesses don't seek the medical help they need, I can start a list for you if you want.

It begins with feeling marginalized. Because I have Bipolar Disorder I am often told I'm "overreacting" if I get frustrated or angry in situations where "normal" people would react the same way. I have to watch how and when I chose to allow myself to become upset. People who do things that are insensitive or rude can often blow it off and blame it on me having an "episode" so somehow it isn't really them. Even professionals do this.

How do you react to this? Where do you go with that? When you get repeatedly told that you don't get to have normal reactions to frustrating or upsetting situations, where do you take those feelings? When you, as a "normal" person get to be angry at someone, what do I as a "unbalanced" person get to do? I have to worry all the time about how I'll be received.

What a load of shit.
I named my MP3 player. Whenever I get done uploading music, my computer says, "You can now disconnect SERENA."

Most days, that's exactly how I feel.

Does this meet the definition of irony?


These are the three men in my life:

Yes, he really was upside down when I took this. I could write a whole blog just about him and his antics, but I think it would only be interesting to me, his father and his grandparents. But still, that face will make you smile.

This is my eternal toddler. My Melkor. This dog is the biggest baby I've ever had and the sweetest animal. He keeps my feet warm on cold nights and gives me love when I feel blue.
This is Russ. We've been to hell and back in the last five years. We still haven't figured out how to have that relationship you see on television where people laugh with you when you screw up and all is forgiven in thirty minutes, but we love each other and I think that's all that matters.

That's it, no profound message right now....just wanted to share some pictures.


Depression Hurts, But you don't have too

I hate those commercials, I really do. They make it seem like all you have to do is pop a couple of pills and all the pain and suffocating hopelessness that goes along with depression will just magically evaporate. It just doesn't work like that, not even with medication.

Part of the reason I stopped writing this blog was because I was depressed and I didn't want to "burden" anyone else with it. After what happened yesterday I've decided to write about everything, because maybe just one person will read it and realize what's going on before it's to late.

I was lucky, there was someone home with me. Someone to call emergency personnel and get me medical attention. That saved my life...physically. What it didn't do was fix this feeling inside that I'm pretty much worthless. Is it rational? No. But it's there all the same.

Right along with it is this overwhelming sense of shame and guilt. I'm supposed to be the one people can come to. I'm supposed to be the one who knows how to fix things. I'm not supposed to be the one that messes stuff up, that's not me. Except this time it was. This time I fucked up. This time it was all on my shoulders. And I just didn't know where to go anymore.

And I still don't know where to go with it. So I'm sitting here in front of this computer, writing these words and trying to find something to hold onto that will get me through today. Then I can worry about tomorrow.


things to do on a monday

(1) Go to court believing that because you're right means someone will listen and take you seriously.

(2) Get slapped in the face with reality and realize that you are an idealistic idiot who has just made a mess of her families life for nothing more than principle.

(3) Sink further into the depression you have been suffocating in for the last two weeks.

(4) swallow a bottle of pills

(5) spend the day at the emergency room drinking activated charcoal and feeling even more depressed and stupid for doing something like that.

(6) get home and deal with the reality that was still waiting for you

(7) go to class

So, how was your monday?


There's an article out today talking about how consumers are locked into their cell service contracts. It likens the experience to being in jail. I read this article and just sort of grinned. You see, my family is probably one of the only remaining families on the planet without cell phones. We have recently begun discussing the possibility of purchasing a prepaid phone for emergency use, but we aren't even considering a "regular" cell phone.

This article just highlights for me one of the reasons why I don't have a cell phone. As a society we have become complacent about what we allow and how much of it we allow. It has invaded all aspects of our lives. Cell service companies, the cable company, the oil companies...they all have rights that we don't and we have allowed it to continue and even get worse without taking any real action mostly because they provide the things that make our lives EASY.

People don't actually NEED cell phones or cable and I'm living proof that you can survive by car-pooling or taking public transit.

How did it get this bad? And how much more of our lives are we going to concede before we stand up and say, enough is enough?


I love my kid. That's it, I don't have anything else to say tonight.


And then there was silence......

Let me just start by saying: "Please don't ask me where I've been." The answer to that question would require several long, complicated, drawn out blog posts and I just don't feel like going into it. I'm sure that over time the saga will leak out in bits and pieces that will make you go, "What the fuck was that all about?" Let's just leave it at that.

So, for now, let me just say...I kind of missed you guys. I missed having a sounding board. I missed seeing your smiling little faces. I just missed everything.