1.29.2008

Depression Hurts, But you don't have too

I hate those commercials, I really do. They make it seem like all you have to do is pop a couple of pills and all the pain and suffocating hopelessness that goes along with depression will just magically evaporate. It just doesn't work like that, not even with medication.

Part of the reason I stopped writing this blog was because I was depressed and I didn't want to "burden" anyone else with it. After what happened yesterday I've decided to write about everything, because maybe just one person will read it and realize what's going on before it's to late.

I was lucky, there was someone home with me. Someone to call emergency personnel and get me medical attention. That saved my life...physically. What it didn't do was fix this feeling inside that I'm pretty much worthless. Is it rational? No. But it's there all the same.

Right along with it is this overwhelming sense of shame and guilt. I'm supposed to be the one people can come to. I'm supposed to be the one who knows how to fix things. I'm not supposed to be the one that messes stuff up, that's not me. Except this time it was. This time I fucked up. This time it was all on my shoulders. And I just didn't know where to go anymore.

And I still don't know where to go with it. So I'm sitting here in front of this computer, writing these words and trying to find something to hold onto that will get me through today. Then I can worry about tomorrow.

3 comments:

jessabean said...

I'm so glad you're okay. Really truly. I'm so glad you're brave enough to write what you do, for the rest of us, who feel like we can't.

Your voice is a valuable addition to this blogging community, to this life. Today, someone is reading, listening, caring. I'm sending out my cyber arms right now and wrapping you in a big warm hug.

Please stay with us. Please keep writing. You matter.

~Jess

Ian Thomas Healy said...

It was good to chat with you earlier today - see that I get to tomorrow (and subsequent days as well), because I really do look forward to hearing from you. :)

Besides, who else is going to tell me about all the mistakes I'm making in my work? ;)

Ian

super des said...

I can't put it better than Jess did.
We've missed hearing from you, and we love you, and I am so glad you're ok.

*hug*