A letter to my mother.....

I'm going to just say this right up front...this post is going to sound angry and hurt and I realize my mother is never actually going to read it, but there are some things I want to say, just to have them said....with that note....

Dear Mother,

When I think about my childhood I look at the few precious good memories I have and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I was not given the chance that every child should have, the chance to have a loving, lasting realationship with his/her parents. It makes me sad that the bad memories far outweigh the good.

I remember going to a movies with you as a child. Star Wars, Dragonslayer, The Fox and the Hound....I loved going to the movies. I remember you taking me to the library, sitting in the egg shaped chair in the main library reading with you. I remember the time in the fourth grade when you yelled at my teacher because she accused me of having you write my book report, you told her that I was smarter than most of the kids in the class and that I was MORE than capable of writing book reports on books that even she wouldn't understand.

I also remember sitting in my room, tears running down my face, my back stinging from the blows you had rained down on me. I remember you telling me I was worthless. That I was a liar. That I was lazy. I remember you telling me that you didn't want to talk to me unless I could talk to you like an adult. I remember you brushing me off, because you had more important things to do than spend time with me. I remember you red faced and screaming, telling me that I had ruined your life. All before I turned ten.

There are other memories of that time, each more painful than the last, but nothing as lasting as the feeling of hurt and shame that my mother would do those things to me.

I remember leaving your house when I was still a teenager and trying to make a go of it alone. I remember graduation. You told me that I could have you present at a major life event, or you and Dad could send me money so I could get an apartment. What kind of choice was that? And I remember the day I had to call you and tell you I was pregnant. I was looking for love and support. Instead you yelled at me, accused me of not caring about you, telling me you couldn't believe you had to tell your friends I was pregnant, and then telling me if I kept the child I would get no help from you. Fast forward nine months, after I had made the agonizing decision to place my first child for adoption, alone. You sent me a letter telling me that for the first time in my life, you were proud of me. Did you even read that before you sent it? Did you honestly think that it would make me feel good to say something like that?

Then five years later, my sister gets pregnant, at the age of sixteen, and you take her into the warmth of family. Help her get through the pregnancy, take care of the baby so she can finish school. What the hell? I hated you for that.

I get married. I pay for the wedding. You tell me that at least I can do that right. Then when he starts having affairs, plural, and caps it off by driving drunk with my daughter and I kick him to the curb, you tell me you knew I would be a failure at that, just like I was for everything else in my life.

You're a bitch.

The list just goes on and on and on. And for some reason, I kept trying to repair the relationship. I didn't want to believe that you could be so intentionally cruel. Then I moved to Utah and met someone, and decided to have another child. When I called to tell you I was having a baby, were you excited? No, the first thing you say to me is:" Is this one going to be legitamte?" Who the fuck do you think you are? My daughter was born AFTER I had been married. It was my sister, not me that made a habit of having babies without dads...and yet you seem to have no problem with her kids.

The one thing I have to thank you for is the fact that because of you, because of how I felt as I grew up..I am a better parent. I love my children. There is never anything more important than they are. I tell them how special they are. I praise them. I never hit them. My children will grow up healthy and whole and will never end up on Oprah cursing my name for the way I failed them.

The way you failed me.

You tell me I'm not successful. I disagree. Everything I am today I am responsible for. I could sit and whine to anyone that listens that you were horrible and you ruined my life. Instead I chose to show the world that I am a postive, energetic, intelligent woman. I use my talents to make the lives of those around me better. I am more successful than you will ever know.

I think I pity you. You are a shallow, hollow person that thinks the world owes you something. You can never find peace that way and I feel sorry for that. I feel sorry for you.

Well color me surprised.....

I just found out yesterday that I actually have readers that are not Steph, Mav or Russ. Color me surprised. I didn't think anyone at all was reading this thing.

Now there's all this pressure to be witty and intellectually stimulating.....Okay, not really, but it sounded good right?

Anyway, a BIG 'ole welcome to all my non-circle of friends readers. I'll try not to bore you to tears!!

Depressing Thoughts by, well certainly not Jack Handy.....

Recently I have begun to take stock of my life and I'm thinking that moving to Utah was the biggest mistake of my life. I've had nothing but crap for luck and one string of bad things after another. North Dakota wasn't fun, or exciting, or even mediocore, but I had a nice apartment, a decent job and no trouble.

Now I'm stuck here living where things cost to much, it's to expensive to live, you can't get around with out a car.....public transportation SUCKS.....I hate where I live. And don't even get me started on who I live with...I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear.

I'm gonna go read now....I just don't want to interact with the world right now.

Water, my kingdom for a glass of water

Okay Cats and Kittens, it's five o'clock in the morning and I just got up to make my son a bottle and guess what? There's no fuckin water!! That's right, nada, not a damn drop. Turns out that the fools next door have a leak in the hallway and they have the water main, so they turned it off. Fuckin idiots!

My life is gonna make a best seller some day, I swear to god!

Junkies, Crack Whores and Tweakers, Oh My!

I live in the most ghetto building you can possibly imagine, well for a little city in Utah anyway. My upstairs neighbors smoke pot and well, let's just say, other stuff on a regular basis....and it all comes down into my apartment through the dryer vent. They like to do things like vacum at two in the morning and run the dryer at odd hours. Fun Fun

The girl next door is a tweaker, sunken cheeks and all. She has apparently decided that her new hobbie is going to be skulking at my windows to listen in on my conversations, and then run to the land lady and play Miss Molly Tattletale.

It's two thirty in the morning and I'm wide awake because we just caught one of them staring in the bedroom window, watching us. How fucked up and creepy is that?

So yeah, we will be moving before the month is out.

God I hate this place!!!

Rap music at four in the morning....

Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a fan of rap or hip hop, under the best of circumstances. Well, four a.m. is not the best of circumstances. I'm lying in bed, sleeping soundly, dreaming my happy little dreams of....okay, that part isn't important. All of a sudden I hear rap music blaring outside.

Now, understandably, I'm a little peeved. It has not only roused me from deep slumber, it has awaken my son. So I get up, mumbling nasty things under my breath, get dressed, and walk to the apartment complex next door.

This little journey leads me to find that there is a small, blue car parked in the lot, windows down, radio on at full blast. The funny thing? There is no one in the car. Fast foreward twenty minutes......

After banging on doors for twenty minutes I finally find out who's car it is and eventually manage to wake them up. They are shocked.....it seems someone tried to steal the car, set off the radio and took off.

So instead of yelling at someone, it looks like I saved them from waking up in the morning to a dead battery. All in all, a very weird night!

Assholes and Idiots

So I got and email today from someone that fits both of the above categories. Asshole, well I've already cover that, but let's refresh our memories, shall we?

This is a man, and please understand that I use that term in the loosest sense possible, that targets women he believes to be weak and lacking in self esteem, so that he can whisper sweet nothings in their ears to get them to do anything he asks. He does an awfully good job at playing Prince Charming...you know the guy I'm talking about, the one that looks all nice and shiny on the outside, but is hollow and rotted on the inside??? Yeah, that's him.

He made the mistake of thinking I was one of these women, and then, when he found out I wasn't decided that I wasn't actually his friend after all. He mistook the oddities of Manic Depression, for total obsession....not very bright, is he dear readers???

Today, I receive an email from this sadly narcissitic man...and get this, he's asking me to add my name to the messenger list of his latest "dear friend" I mean really....how sad is that? I mean why would I want to talk to any of his inane little friends?

All I have to say is .....Sheesh!!!

Duran Duran, yes AGAIN....

So check out the photo...how young do they look? i would have been about thirteen at the time this picture was taken.

I have recently found myself becoming obsessed with Duran Duran again. I'm 34 for pete's sake. You would think that by now, I would have grown out of it. But nooooooo, not me.

And here's the kicker, I found a lovely little message board that is just jam packed with other thirty something woman, all as obsessed as I am. How fun is that?

Not only that, but there's fan fic, that's right my friends, Duran Duran fan fic. And it's smutty as hell. Anyway...that's all I have to say for right now

Yet another gripe

A few days ago my ex sent the police to my house. Yes, you heard me correctly. The waste of space that is my daughter's father actually called the police department and fed them a line of shit about being concerned for our "welfare", so the police came to my house to check on me, do you believe that?

When I called him, to confront him about this incident, he lied to me and said he was worried because he hadn't heard from me in a week and he had no idea if we had made it back to Utah all right. He had spoken to a friend of mine just days before, and confirmed that we were indeed home safe and sound. What an asshole.

I just wanted that on record, he's an asshole, a bullying one at that.

Okay, I'm done griping now.

Nobody reads this anyway

I'm up...still. It's almost four o'clock in the morning, and I can't sleep. I haven't had a bout of insomnia like this is a couple of months, guess I was due for one, huh?

Have I mentioned the fact that I fell deeply in love with someone once. Not just the kind of love where you think, "Oh, how sweet." But the kind of love that conusmes every fiber of your being. I fell for someone like that once upon a time. I was thinking about him today. I miss him.

I've moved on in my life, forward movement is always a good thing. But every now and then, I come back to him in my mind. And I know...well honestly, I'm not sure what I know. Except that sometimes, when it's late at night and I close my eyes, I can still see his face.

That's all, nothing else to say really.

Maybe I'll try to sleep again.

Just for the sake of argument

I'm going back to college in the fall. I don't think I've mentioned that in here, but yeah, biting the bullet, going back to college, and then.....well then I will have to get a realy job, with responsibilities and all. No more crappy call center jobs for me. God, I can't wait.

I have been toying with the idea of placing more of an emphasis on my English degree, switching majors actually. I think I would like to go abroad and teach English for a few years. Take the kids to live in another country, have the ability to see Europe because, well because we live there. Alexandria's father would have a CANARY, but oh well, screw him. After I do that for a few years, I could get a job editing or something, which, anyone who knows me will tell you, would be a dream job for me. I would esentially be getting paid to read. And to then make what I'm reading a perfect as it can be for other readers to enjoy. Hell yeah, sign me up for that.

On a totally different subject....I took my daughter to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants the other day, and I have to admit, it was a cute movie. I only mention it here because it made me want to see Greece. I have relatives there that I have never met, and I would like to meet them. I would like to give my daughter the chance to know her heritage. That and who could refuse the sun and the beaches....right now, that would be the thing I would look forward to the most.

Well, enough daydreaming for now, my mundane little life calls to me. There are dishes waiting to be done.

T-Mobile and the case of the mysterious Overdraft fees

April 13, 2005....I notice that I have and overdraft on my savings account ( which I use to make scheduled payments via EFT or ACH) so, naturally, I call my credit union to inquire what it's for, since no payments were scheduled to be made. The nice woman on the other end of the phone tells me that T-Mobile attempted to take a payment from my account. Odd, I think, since I've already paid my bill via debit card. I thank her and hang up.

The next call I make is to T-Mobile Customer Care ( right.....customer care MY ASS) and the clueless girl on the other end tells me after almost an hour, that I must be mistaken, they don't show any record that they tried to access my account. So apparently, since they didn't show it in their systems, it never happened. Although my credit union shows a clear record of the attempt. Hmmmmm.....odd. I can see it, I'm looking right at it, says T-Mobile right next to it.

Then the following Monday, guess what? It happened AGAIN. That's right dear readers, T-Mobile made a SECOND attempt to withdraw funds from my account. So I call again, thinking, perhaps a bit naivley, that surely NOW they would do something about it. But NO! They still insisted that because they didn't SEE it on their records, it never happened, and that I was mistaken. Then I'm told that all I need to do is fax them a copy of the statement showing the attempt and they would be happy to take care of it for me.

It is now THREE MONTHS later. I have now refused to pay T-Mobile another dime until this is taken care of, and I am requesting that I not be made to pay my bill for the month due to the serious inconvience and lack of care taken in this matter. I have, in total, faxed the same information to T-Mobile SIX, count 'em, SIX times. And today? Well today I get told that I need to prove how much they tried to withdraw, the moron on the phone even went as far as to suggest that perhaps I was trying to get out of something by saying, "Maybe you were making a payment for someone else."

Do not trust T-Mobile my friends, a company that will try to get out of something like this, is not to be trusted with your money or your patronage. The next step for me is to write to , call or email, every single media outlet that I can and to take the relevant information to my local authorities. If you have T-Mobile...switch now. Get the hell out of there! Run!!

Jobless and pissed off

Well today, for thefirst time in my working life I got fired. What did I do you ask? Did I spit at my boss? No. Did I call somone a stupid bitch for thinking that children who claim to be molested are most likely lying? ( Yes, an employee at Harland ACTUALLY said that? No, that wasn't it. What was my act of indiscretion that was so horrible, so heinous that I had to be dismissed from employment?

I missed one hour over their alloted 16. Not because I had been out drinking and just didn't feel like going in. Not because I made it a habit to be late or not show up. I missed one hour to many because the night before I had been driving for 18 hours and when I got home and fell asleep I simply forgot that I was supposed to be at work an hour early. I was on time for my scheduled shift, in fact I was twenty minutes early and was logged in and ready to go before any one else in the class.

John H Harland tells people that it cares about it's employees. What they should be saying is that they care about their employees after 90 days have passed and you have PTO....until then, if you want to work for this company....be sure to put all possible crisis situations on hold. Get out the crystal ball and be sure......be very very sure to kiss ass to the training staff. Oh, and try not to be to smart. It scares them.

End of rant.....................

One

There was an article in Time a few weeks back and it talks about how to end world poverty. It's about a new book by Jeffrey D. Sachs. It was a provacative article, and I plan to purchase the book. Now there is a group asking for people to sign a petition to get the United States government to pledge one percent of it's budget to ending poverty.

Look at the website, sign the petition, and read the book....it's called "The End of Poverty". People, even one at at time, can make the biggest difference of all, if we simply remember that tomorrow, it could be us, or our families in need of comapassion from a world that to often looks the other way.

I'm BAAAAACCKKKK

It's kind of like Poltergiest that way. I have internet at home again, finally *insert eye roll here* So I thought I better come in and just say hello to everyone. Let you all *all thee and a half of you* know that I am indeed still alive and writing.

More later.

Exploding Toads????

Yeah...you heard me..exploading toads. I got to work this morning and turned on my computer and the first thing I see on MSN is the headline "Exploding Toads Puzzles German Scientists". Well who in the hell wouldn't be puzzeled by expoding toads? I mean honestly, if a toad just suddenly exploded next to you, would you look at your friends and say, " Oh look, another exploding toad." ?? NO...you would FLIP THE FUCK OUT!!

It's almost biblical, like a sign from the divine. "Knock off the crap, or I'm gonna start blowin shit up!"

Careful people, it could be us next. You could be sitting next to your date and BAM!!!! Nothing but goo. Like a bad horror movie don't you think? Weird shit starts happening in nature, no one listens to the geeky scientists and the all hell breaks loose.

That's it, I'm getting a cabin in the woods.

Ryker and Squidward

I called to talk to Stephanie the other night and she was talking to Ryker. Ryker had asked about my health and well being the other day. I was touched by this. So I decided to dedicate this post to Ryker and his fondness for Spongebob and all things Squidward.

I think that we can all agree Spongebob is freakin hilarious, but most people do not yet appreciate the importance of Squidward.

Ryker, I looked for a Squidward page to link to this post...but alas, I am at work and the IT department here has blocked sites they deem inappropriate. Apparently, Spongebob and Squidward have been deemed a threat to cooperate America. I did however manage to find a great picture of him, so I linked it to the post title.

Vive La Squidward!!!!!

Vive La Bikini Bottom!!!!!

*raising arm in triumphant glee*

I'm off to cause havoc in the corporate world now!

Has it REALLY been that long?

Wow....almost a week since my last post....well when you have no internet at home, that's what happens. You lose control of these things.

Have I told you how much I hate moving? If I haven't, let me fill you in. I hate moving with a fiery passion that just will not die. I hate the packing and the shuffling of shit from one place to another. Never knowing where anything is, tripping over boxes...Oh, and this time I moved from three bedroom house BACK into a two bedroom apartment. Now I suddenly have way way to much shit and nowhere to put it. So this means even more shuffling of shit ...one funny thing is , my house now looks something like the Library of Congress. There are books EVERYWHERE.

Did I mention I'm a bibliophile? Books are my passion. I collect them, and certain books I collect more than one copy of. I have fourteen copies of Alice In Wonderland ( my favorite book) and I have several different versions of the Lord of the Rings set. Each one from a different printing, each one with different cover art...I even have The Hobbit in German. I can't READ German, but it's COOL.

I'll have to get a camera and take a picture, let the world see just how far this book thing has gone. It's wild.

I'm going back to college this fall, that should be an adventure. I haven't been inside a classroom in almost ten years, I think I'll probably have to retake a lot of the classes I took, just because most of the knowledge is probably outdated. But I am looking forward to it. I was teasing Stephanie the other day...told her we should join a Sorority. We can be Sorority girls...( Okay, for those of you who KNOW me, you should already be snotting Coke out your noses at this point, for those of you who DON'T know me, just take my word for it....I am SOOOO not a Sorority girl..and Steph, well, I think she could make a go of it, until one of them pissed her off..then it would be kind of like one of those horror movies? Yeah, dead soroity chics EVERYWHERE...good times!!)

Later folks!

Gushing about Stephanie

I've decided that I need to dedicate an entire post to gushing about Steph. I do this not to cater to her ego ( Okay, well maybe a little) but mainly because it seems like when I write lately I'm always putting in things about her.....maybe that's because after some recent ugliness in my life, she is the one person that shone throw with glorious color. Her friendship never waivered, she never faltered in her support of me even though I had been a through ASS. In short she was everything you always dream of having in a best friend. She is that person that you know you will still be talking to and laughing with in thirty years.

And she is the person I have discovered I ALWAYS have fun with, no matter what we are doing. We can just be sitting watching movies and I laugh and laugh...it makes me feel good to be around her.

I have decided that she is the role model I'm going to hold up to my daughter. Not because she's famous, not because she's rich, not because she's thin....but because she is the kind of person I want my child to be. She has had problems in her life. She has made mistakes. But she holds her head up and continues on. She isn't afraid to say that she is angry or hurt and she has a style all her own and she doesn't care if it matches the crap in Vouge.

She is, in short, the type of person I try hard every day to be.

I don't know if you know this or not Stephanie, but with all kidding aside, Thanks for everything you do for me. I admire you!

Sting and the Amazing Stehanie (part two)

Where was I? Oh, yeah...we made our way back to our seats......

Phantom Planet....the opening act. Skinny white boys with guitars....Excellent. Oh, and the music was good too. Seriously...check this band out. http://www.phantomplanet.com Better yet....surf past the bands website, check out the blog they keep..interesting guys. (Steph....if we had been there earlier, we could have MET Sting....read the post in the blog about the SLC show....*grrrrr*)

Moving on....

They played a nice set...interacted with the crowd....I enjoyed it.

BUT WAIT...now I have to tell you about this chic that was sitting in front of us. Yeah....we're waiting for the show to start and this yuppie group from HELL stops at the seats in front of us. There were the prerequisite trophy women and the over tanned, over gelled men.....and the couple that sat right in front of us? Oh....let me tell you about them. This woman was wearing jeans that looked like she had to jump from a great height to get into them, and carrying the most ABSURD purse I've ever seen. It was literally only big enough for a tube of lipstick and a breath mint..I mean honestly, how about wearing pants that aren't so skin tight and putting the breath mint in your pocket??

When Sting hit the stage, this woman bounced out of her seat and started to dance...badly. This woman wouldn't have been able to find the beat if someone had handed it to her in a paper bag...even scarier than skinny white chic dancing badly? Her boyfreind thought it was sexy. He was fondling her butt, shoving his tounge into her mouth. Get a room.

Moving on ....

Sting was FABULOUS.....I'm so glad I got to go. The guitar player, Shane, he was funny AND talanted....here's what I mean. He is a WICKED guitar player...but the man dances like a chicken. Too funny for words. Another example of people being themselves and not caring. He was having a great time on stage, just doin' his thing, and it just added to the overall experience of the concert.

I have to say though, I have never...and I mean NEVER in my life been to a concert where the crowd sat that still. It was like the Stepford Audience. Stephanie and I were some of the only people just diggin the music and letting go. Everyone else just sort of sat there and yelled at the appropriate intervals. What a waste of good rock and roll.

In a nutshell...a VERY LARGE nutshell.....there you have it....Sting and the amazing Stephanie. ( please refer to next post)