As the time for kick-off approaches I started thinking about all "yearly" events I don't watch anymore.

(1) The Super-Bowl. I've watched one in my entire 36 years on the planet. It was back in the early 80's, the Bears and the "Fridge" were playing against I don't remember who. What do I remember? The Super-Bowl Shuffle. I cringe.

(2) The Academy Awards. I last watched this show when "The Color Purple" was nominated. Whoppi Goldberg didn't win. I was pissed. I stopped watching. Apparently people have parties and watch the show together? Is that like the Super Bowl for dorks?

(3) The Grammy Awards. When did I watch this last? Let's see, does anyone remember the year Jethro Tull beat Metallica? Yeah, that would be the last year I watched. Not because I was pissed that Metallica lost, but because it was about that time that they started adding in awards for music I couldn't stand and the live performances were by people I wouldn't watch on a street corner.

(4) The Miss America Pagent. Sadly enough, yes, I used to watch this show. I would get a snack, a pad of paper and a pencil and I would sit glued to the television tallying scores and praying for my favorite to win. I idolized these women. I thought they were beautiful and intelligent and I wanted to be them. But then, I also thought Barbie was cool and had a crush on the Prince from the Smurfs cartoon. I was nine. Then I grew up and got a body image and decided that I would rather eat razor blades than suffer through a show where grown women put Vaseline on their teeth and glued their bathing suits to their asses. Thank god!

(5) The Jerry Lewis Telethon. When I was in the first grade I actually got on the local broadcast because I went out and collected money for the telethon. Do they even have a telethon anymore? And if they do, who goes on it?

There are a TON of others, I'm sure. Let's just say that since I hit puberty I haven't watched, or cared about the results of an award show, sports tournament or pagent. Although I will admit to watching the Sci-fi award show that was on Spike a while back. Rob Zombie was on it. Who wouldn't watch that?

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