My Gay Boyfriend

Josh....need I say more?

I've been meaning to tell everyone about Josh for a while now...and since I have pictures, well it seemed like the perfect time to do it!!

Josh is my gay boyfriend. We talk about everything. I'm going to go to Pride with him in June!! I love him, what can I say? He's a sweetheart, he cares about people and he has a good soul!! If only there were more men on the planet like Josh!!

I love you hun!!! Thanks for being my friend!

YUMMY

Still Making My Heart Beat Faster!

Okay, so I've added pictures to my blog....how sweet is this? Now I can post pictures of all the cool things....Oh wait....first I have to get some cool things in my life, don't I??

Okay, well in the meantime, just enjoy the eye candy...I'll post more at random....so check back to see who's the next Yummy post.

What friends mean to me....

What exactly is a friend? How do you define a friend? Websters defines friends as:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4 : a favored companion 5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war -- called also Quaker

Now.... the first definition is good....but that's not how I think of friends....more closely resembling my definition of a true friend is this:

"You must therefore love me, myself, and not my circumstances, if we are to be real friends. ".... Cicero

Friends are people that know you at your worst moments ..... and are still there the next day. Not the sycophantic groupies so many people seem to want to surround themselves with......and you know who you are, don't you?

What is the purpose of having people around you that will only constantly telling you how wonderful you are? I want people in my life that will tell me the truth ...and that will except the truth from me.

I have a friend like that right now, someone I almost lost a few weeks ago because I was afraid to tell her the truth about how I felt...I'm glad I choose to trust her enough to speak up....she was upset with me, but she listened, told me when she thought I was out of line and we made our friendship stronger.

She is a wonderful person and I find myself thinking how lucky I am to have met her, to have the opportunity to have her in my life......Just to let you know Stephanie....

This one is for you!!!

Neal McDonough is a NICE MAN!! ( and he's HOT)

Okay...this is a continuation of the whole concert going experience......if you don't know who Neal McDonough is, check out the IMDB link I put in the title of the post.....he's a phenomanal actor and, as it turns out, a very nice man.....and did I mention HOT!!! His eyes...oh lord *fans self*

So the concert is over and I'm sitting there talking to some of the women I met...and there he is, just standing there, next to the security gate....and he's smiling and he's chatting with people....and I do something TOTALLY out of character for me, I ask for an autograph.

He smiles and says "Sure" then he asks for my name, signs my notebook....and hands it back to me. And then he talks to me for a minute or so......I was so impressed with how nice he was.

And did I mention HOT...oh so incredibly HOT.......WOW!!!

So check out the list of things this man has done....and if you have never seen him act, rent something or check out Medical Investigations on Fridays...it kicks ASS....

Okay...so I'm all good now, ranting is all done........

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

All I can say is OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!! That concert ROCKED!! I can die a happy woman now.....I have seen my idols and it was GOOD!!

So I'm sitting in my seat and there are woman all around...my age, some younger, but most my age and we get to talking about how Duran Duran effected us as teens and how obsessed we were with them...and I find out I'm not the only one that thought that these guys were IT. There was one lady that had made posters with old pictures from Tiger Beat, Bop...magazines like that...and it took me back, made me feel sixteen again.

Then two women sat down at the end of my row...one of them had the symbol from Seven and the Ragged Tiger on her face...she and her friend met in Jr. High, and are still friends...they had a love for Duran Duran in common...reminded me of Katina, Dee-Dee and Lylah.

I miss them....

As we were waiting for the opening act to start, people are coming down the stairs heading to their seats on the floor. So I'm watching people, cause that's what I do...and I see this guy walk by, and he looks awfully damn familiar...and then it hits me, Neal McDonough.....the guy from Medical Investigations on NBC..Holy Shit!!! More about this later.

So we all sat patiently through the opening act, a band called Iama Robot...they were pretty good, sort of a mix between Echo and the Bunnymen and TheCure.....I'd listen to them again, given the chance.

And then.......

The music started to beat and the smoke started to flow and OH MY GOD!!!! There they were. I swear to god, I started crying the minute they walked out onto the stage.....I felt like I was 16 again.....

They sound as good now as they did in the eighties......better really. And I was there....twenty feet from the stage!!! If I had been at the end of the row, I could have touched them....it was the best seat I've ever had for a concert.

They all came out wearing suits....and they stood on the end of the stage for a minute..the crowd went NUTS. Then they walked to their places and started playing (Reach Out For ) The Sunrise, the first cut they released from Astronaut.

The microphone pack on Simons back came loose and a technician had to come out on the stage and refix it....and Simon says,"Excuse me while this man fiddles with my ass." Laughter from everywhere. The tech gets him set and the show continues.....they play a couple from Astronaut....then they go into the older stuff....they played Hold Back the Rain...and you have to be a diehard fan to know that one....

Then after a very energetic beginning, they slow it down and play Tiger,Tiger...the instrumental from Seven and the Ragged Tiger....Wow...does that song kick ass live!! Then Simon comes out in a new outfit....Chauffer hat and all......God I love that song......

By this point I'm screaming and crying and just generally acting like I'm a teenager again......I mean I still can't believe where I am and who I'm seeing...it's like a dream...and yes, you can make fun of me for that if you want.....but it's the truth.

During my teen years, things were dark and ugly most of the time.....and the thing I clung to, the thing that pulled me through so many of those nights, was this music. So many times I thought I had reached the edge...and I would plug in my earphones and out would come Simon's voice and the music behind him and the edge would move a little farther back. They saved my life...literally.

Okay...so back to the concert......

So I'm standing there, jamming out...screaming like a teenage girl and John Taylor wanders out onto the platform next to us, and the house lights are up so they can see us....I holler and I smile and I point at him .....AND HE SMILES BACK....then he waves and nods...AT ME!!!! There was eye contact and everything....so now I have a John Taylor moment....OH MY FREAKIN GOD!!!

They played Careless Memories....and on the big screen is playing this Manga Cartoon......the guys kickin ass and taking names.......I want that video!!!

Okay...so they finish the set...they leave the stage and of course we want an encore....five minutes go by and then they come back on stage...

Now usually a band will do one, maybe two songs....not these guys...we got five more songs....and during Girls on Film, they brought the house lights up again so Simon could introduce the band...."Play the Fucking Bass John"!!!!!

Last song done....house lights up...show over....their taking their bows, saying good night and they come back over to our side of the stage.....I'm helping the girls next to me hold up a banner that says "Thank U" on it....and Simon and John smile at us.......and give the thumbs up sign...then John nudges Nick and points us out...and Nick smiles....OH MY GOD!!!! Was that for REAL??? It was amazing..I'm on a high now that won't end for days.......

I'm so glad I went to this show......it was eighty bucks well spent!!

Duran Duran

What can I say...it's been twenty some years and I still love this band!!! I'm finally going to get the chance to see them live tonight and all that keeps going through my mind is OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! DURAN DURAN!!

When I was a teenager and the whole world seemed like crap, and it was dark and ugly all of the time, I always had their music to keep me grounded and alive....to keep me sane. I know that doesn't make any sense to most of the people that will read this, but I don't really care.

So, yeah....OH MY GOD!!!! DURAN DURAN!!!!

I will be back later tonight to tell you all about it!

Peter Pan or not to Peter Pan??

I hve to admit....at first this freaked me out a little, but then I started thinking about it and how much courage does it take to just be yourself in today's world? Even if you know people will decide to look down on you or make fun of you for it.

So I say BRAVO to Peter Pan....have fun man!!

Love vs Obsession

Talking to a friend today and we got on the subject of unconditional love vs. lust/obsession. He had a pretty damn good definition of the two things:


lust/obsession = something or someone you are attracted to, to the point that you paint a fake picture over the face of him/her/it. you believe them to be flawless, perfect, and can do no wrong. you ignore their flaws


unconditional love = you recognize this person for who they are, and understand that they do have flaws and inperfectness. however, you love this person regardless of their flaws, or "conditions." it doesn't matter if they mess up, or if they do good, you love them regardless.


That's a pretty damn good idea of what it should be about...why can't people accept the unconditional love though? Obsession and lust seem to be the norm, but love, actual, honest love for another human being is regarded as a weakness, something you are supposed to hide or be ashamed of.

People are inundated by the social idea that love has to be fiery, passionate, hot.....all the time.....that it should be something out of a movie. Romance novel sweet. Hallmark moments in impossible shades of sunset.....no one seems to understand that love, real, abiding, lasting love is more of a slow burn.

Why is it so hard to let someone accept you, flaws and all? Why does it seem like people want to be tread upon, put down and used? What the hell is up with that?

Shhhhhh.....

This is dedicated to a friend of mine...not for it's content, but for the meaning only she will understand.....


Shhhh............

walking and talking
thinking you have something important to say
shhhh....
nobody is really listening

sitting in the hallways
leaning on the walls
whispering the secrets you think you have
shhhh.....
nobody is really listening

giggling and batting eyelashes
snickering at people
behind their backs
shhhh......
nobody is really listening

Nobody actually cares what you have to say
Nobody thinks you're funny
Nobody wants to hear your vicious bitching
so
SHHHHHH............

Ranting because I can...its my site dammit!!!!

Recently I was reminded that most people are incapable of true friendship. They take the people that come into and out of their lives for granted, using them up and discarding them like tissue.

It's like their parents never took the time to teach them that people are not commoditites placed on the planet for their own personal use and pleasure. No one ever took the time to stop and tell them that they do not have the right to go through life casually violating the trust and respect of others.

My favorite thing about people like this is the fact that they always try to disguise their sorry behavior and lack of conscience as being "truthful". I doubt they would know the truth if it jumped up and bit them in their collective asses.

These are the people that become game show hosts, car salesmen, those tacky little women at the mall with fake smiles and perfume samples.....these are the people that have no idea what it means to have morals, or values, or to have honor...any kind of honor. The value of their worth is approximatly spit.

The truly sad thing here is that these people know exactly who they are and they just simply don't care....they cause pain in people's lives and when someone calls them on it, they have the nerve to look surprised and to act offended.

I have one question for these people:
Who the hell do you think you are? Do you really believe that you have more value than the rest of us? Because let me assure you, you don't. In the scheme of things, you're value is actually very little...miniscule in fact.

So you tell yourselves what ever you have to to sleep at night..I sleep at night knowing that I am true to my word, true to my friends...that I don't need to lie, backstab or brag to make myself feel better about who I am.

I have a sense of self worth...what do you have?

Every time I come in here I think I have something remarkably witty I want to say. Then I open the post screen and I realize that I have absolutely nothing to write about. My day has been completely devoid of meaning. Not a damn thing happened today. I keep hoping for a ten car pile up on the way to work. Or an explosion from the top of one of the mouthing. Maybe, just maybe one of these nights one of my coworkers will simply snap and start screaming at a customer.

But no such luck today. The uneventful continues. The guy to my right is still just the guy to my right. Same old jokes..Same old laughs. The mountain failed to explode on que and traffic went on unimpeded by dead and bloodied bodies. Is it wrong that I am unhappy about this?

I need a hobby.

the touch

last night he came to me
cold & wrapped in shadow
touched
the mind diseased
slipped unnoticed into
tears unshed
spilled
over to thoughts
unravelling

last night he came to me
silent & cloaked in promises
caressed
the soul tomented
sliced open the heart
that blackened
faltering

last night he came to me
comforting & holding me
closed
eyelids on a world
lost to pain
laying down into
blackness

tiny & hollow
i'm being swallowed
whole
singled out by the
movement of time
against
my skin

sunken & sallow
i'm being followed
lost
constantly battling for
sanity and peace
against
my self

vicious & bitter
i'm being bled dry
suffocated
endlessly screaming
against
my silence

dormant

( i would like to thank someone very special to me for the inspiration that led to this poem...you know who you are)


how do you borrow a dream
do you whisper it
catch it in sleep
let it fall into you
from the lips of a lover
slow and lingering
that last moment of heat

how do you steal a dream
do you clutch it to you
tear it from the eyes of a child
let it stab into you like
noise from a crowded room
selfishly hoarding what
innocence lost

how do you forget a dream
let it drain from you
like blood from a wound
watch it fade
like light
leaching out of the dawn
winter's last frozen breath

how do you watch a dream die
let the memories drown
saturated in regret
the moments torn
when does it become
enough to survive

I'm flying. Soaring. Like a bird on an updraft. A summer breeeze tearing through the sky. I can feel the energy searing my veins making me buzz. I want to run, I want to be outside in the air, breathing deep. Screaming crazy.

The mania in my brain burns through me, making me an unreal version of the me I am, crayola driven , outside the lines. A protiture of the hastily drawn person that lives in my brain. Crammed into the knooks and crannies. The silence puncutated with the screams of the voices I know so well. I need to be wild and out of control. I need to be free and unrestrained. Give in to the urges tearing their way around inside my brain.

I could paint you a picture with the words streaming forth from my mouth at a hundred miles an hour, piling up at my feet. Forming mountains of colors and shapes. I can see them, taste them feel them. I become them. Sift through them, build with them.I am on fire with the ideas tearing me apart, I will explode with them, and I will crash into the sunlight of myself.

Requiem

It was spring when she met him. He smiled at her when she made a joke. They shared a few conversations in the weeks that followed and she began to look forward to seeing him.

When he asked her out, she said yes, reluctantly. Dating had never been her thing. He laughed and told her it was only drinks, not a marriage proposal.

Summer was touching the earth when he proposed. The sweat of sex still clinging to him. He swore he loved her like he had loved no other. She swallowed her fear and said yes. They held each other like tomorrow could never touch them.

The chill of fall was on the wind when she felt him move away from her. The child inside her moved and she cried for what might not be. She bled and he promised to be with her forever.

Winter froze the ground when she knew he was gone. No more long nights talking, no more casual caresses or whispered words of love. Lies leaked from his mouth, running like acid into her.

Spring came again when the child arrived. Bright and beautiful, coloring her world with meaning. She held him and promised his life would be good. She looked at the man she had thought was good and felt the sorrow leach her strength.

Summer came again and she knew he did not care. No loving touches, no small remembrances. Only more acrid lies. They acrved her apart. He only looked through her, not caring for her pain.

It was fall again when they found her. Body broke, torn apart. All she had left was a simple shred of paper, what remained of his only love letter.

Better to die a broken body, a broken heart takes to long.

as i sat watching myself
i knew where i had strayed
as i sat listening to myself
i knew where i had fallen

i curled up tight
i cried a tear or two
i stretched myself
forward
and found the end

mottled colors against
my background stain
corrupted
i found the center
and I gripped
it tight
held it to me like
a child

broken sentences
puncuated with pain
cries of
torment in time with
a heartbeat long forgotten

I need a watch.I hate not knowing what time it is. Sitting and staring. Wondering," Am I late, or am I early?" Not that I'm, particularly good at waiting to begin with, 'cuz I'm not. I suck at it. I shift. I pace. I get annoyed. And I seem to be in a perpetual state of waiting.Waiting for payday. Waiting for work to end. Waiting for him to call. Waiting for the bus. Waiting for sleep to come. Waiting..... always waiting. It's just so anti-climatic. Because finally payday does come. And work is over. And he does call. And the bus arrives. And sleep comes. And then what? Where are all the bells and whistles that reward us for the hours we wasted.....waiting. For the days, weeks, months....hell, even years of limitless patience and fortitude? Quietly sitting, not complaining. There are none. You pay the bills. You go home. You talk for a minute. You get on the bus. You dream for a moment. And then?Back to waiting.It's like waiting to die. Just moving through life with no real destination. I get tired of it. I step out of line.Do something new. Anything new. Never helps, doesn't change it. There's still more waiting.Waiting for the color to take. For the polish to dry. For the movie to start. For dinner to get done. For that new book to come in.Always waiting for something.Damn.......I really need a watch.

better than a kiss

twisting
over one finger
through the others
slick
smooth
soft
twining in and twirling over
sliding up and around

slithering against my fingers

lifting moving
a living thing
like silk across
naked skin

pulling it taut
remebering the hands
fingers forced through
caught
tugging hard
chin lifted
neck exposed

just before the bite came

better than a kiss.......

Today....

Today I learned that caffiene and stress are a bad combination. Today I learned that my nerves do indeed still have a breaking point. Today I learned that I actually do have someone I can count on.

Today I decided that living until I am thirty five is a good thing to strive for. Today I decided that caring for someone is a scary thing, but something I'm going to keep doing. Today I decided that my even though my soul is permenantly tarnished, it may still have value.

Today I learned I am stronger when I cry. Today I learned that I am still uncomfortable with myself sometimes. Today I learned that I want to be able to say the words out loud.

Today I decided that I won't settle. Today I decided that my worth is in more than what the last person I knew says about me. Today I decided I will keep fighting for what I really want.