And because it must have been a SERIOUSLY slow news day...

Apparently it was a really slow news day today. The AP reported that a Zamboni driver from New Jersey has been cleared of drunk driving charges. "Well," you might be thinking, "that's good. Drunk driving is bad." And you would be right....if the man had actually been driving a vehicle....on an actual road.

John Peragallo was charged with drunk driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena "told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards". (right now I'm trying not to laugh.) Okay, how fast can a Zamboni go. I'll wait while we all Google that.

Back? Okay...let's continue. Just in case you couldn't find it or were to lazy, let me clue you in: a Zamboni has a top speed of NINE MILES AN HOUR. NINE!!! I can run faster than that. So good ole' John was racin' around the ice at a whoppin' nine miles an hour after poundin' em back. (Apparently John likes a little Sambuca and Valium with his morning coffee.) Can't you just picture how that bust went?

"Excuse me sir? Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

"Umm, yeah? Do you?"

"Well we clocked you at," Cop pauses to look at his radar,"almost ten miles an hour. I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the Zamboni sir."

John looks confused, "Your fucking kidding, right."

"Sir, we don't joke about things like this. Your fellow employees are concerned for their safety."

"My fellow employees are idiots."

"Sir if you fail to cooperate I'm going to have to place you under arrest."

At this point, do you think John jumped back on the Zamboni and tried to make a break for it? I'd love to see THAT on cops.

A judge ruled today that there was no crime because a Zamboni isn't actually a vehicle. The prosecutor's office is considering appealing the ruling. God, I hope their kidding. If I were the judge I would laugh so hard I would pee myself.

I want to write a book that Oprah will Hate!

A good friend suggested that I should write a self help book. I laughed at her. Then I started thinking about it. Maybe I shouldn't write a "self-help" book, maybe I should write a "self" book. Think about that for a moment. I did.

I started writing.

It's called:

"Actually, You're Mother IS to Blame."

I'll keep you posted.