These are the three men in my life:


Yes, he really was upside down when I took this. I could write a whole blog just about him and his antics, but I think it would only be interesting to me, his father and his grandparents. But still, that face will make you smile.

This is my eternal toddler. My Melkor. This dog is the biggest baby I've ever had and the sweetest animal. He keeps my feet warm on cold nights and gives me love when I feel blue.
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This is Russ. We've been to hell and back in the last five years. We still haven't figured out how to have that relationship you see on television where people laugh with you when you screw up and all is forgiven in thirty minutes, but we love each other and I think that's all that matters.

That's it, no profound message right now....just wanted to share some pictures.

Depression Hurts, But you don't have too

I hate those commercials, I really do. They make it seem like all you have to do is pop a couple of pills and all the pain and suffocating hopelessness that goes along with depression will just magically evaporate. It just doesn't work like that, not even with medication.

Part of the reason I stopped writing this blog was because I was depressed and I didn't want to "burden" anyone else with it. After what happened yesterday I've decided to write about everything, because maybe just one person will read it and realize what's going on before it's to late.

I was lucky, there was someone home with me. Someone to call emergency personnel and get me medical attention. That saved my life...physically. What it didn't do was fix this feeling inside that I'm pretty much worthless. Is it rational? No. But it's there all the same.

Right along with it is this overwhelming sense of shame and guilt. I'm supposed to be the one people can come to. I'm supposed to be the one who knows how to fix things. I'm not supposed to be the one that messes stuff up, that's not me. Except this time it was. This time I fucked up. This time it was all on my shoulders. And I just didn't know where to go anymore.

And I still don't know where to go with it. So I'm sitting here in front of this computer, writing these words and trying to find something to hold onto that will get me through today. Then I can worry about tomorrow.

things to do on a monday

(1) Go to court believing that because you're right means someone will listen and take you seriously.

(2) Get slapped in the face with reality and realize that you are an idealistic idiot who has just made a mess of her families life for nothing more than principle.

(3) Sink further into the depression you have been suffocating in for the last two weeks.

(4) swallow a bottle of pills

(5) spend the day at the emergency room drinking activated charcoal and feeling even more depressed and stupid for doing something like that.

(6) get home and deal with the reality that was still waiting for you

(7) go to class


So, how was your monday?

There's an article out today talking about how consumers are locked into their cell service contracts. It likens the experience to being in jail. I read this article and just sort of grinned. You see, my family is probably one of the only remaining families on the planet without cell phones. We have recently begun discussing the possibility of purchasing a prepaid phone for emergency use, but we aren't even considering a "regular" cell phone.

This article just highlights for me one of the reasons why I don't have a cell phone. As a society we have become complacent about what we allow and how much of it we allow. It has invaded all aspects of our lives. Cell service companies, the cable company, the oil companies...they all have rights that we don't and we have allowed it to continue and even get worse without taking any real action mostly because they provide the things that make our lives EASY.

People don't actually NEED cell phones or cable and I'm living proof that you can survive by car-pooling or taking public transit.

How did it get this bad? And how much more of our lives are we going to concede before we stand up and say, enough is enough?

I love my kid. That's it, I don't have anything else to say tonight.

And then there was silence......

Let me just start by saying: "Please don't ask me where I've been." The answer to that question would require several long, complicated, drawn out blog posts and I just don't feel like going into it. I'm sure that over time the saga will leak out in bits and pieces that will make you go, "What the fuck was that all about?" Let's just leave it at that.

So, for now, let me just say...I kind of missed you guys. I missed having a sounding board. I missed seeing your smiling little faces. I just missed everything.