Start your week off with a laugh....(warning:adult content)

More fun stuff from Virob.com. Again, I warn you, if your easily offended, or at work, don't watch this. But it's a good way to start the week with a laugh.

Sunday

It's Sunday. Not much else to say. The weather was nice. I took a nap.

Wow...my life is boring.

I seriously need to try something new. Brazilian frog juggling or French Poodle Shaving or something. Any suggestions? Maybe I'll take up Nude Interpretive Jello Wrestling.

I'll be taking suggestions all week.

The Birthday, The Road Trip and the Blow Up Sheep

I love rainy mornings. The sound of rain against the windows has always been one of my favorite things. My son is still asleep, so I thought I would take some time and come in and write for a minute.

I went on a little road trip with a Stephanie on Tuesday, it was her birthday. Her original plan had been to sit at home and do nothing by herself all day...BORING!!!!! I told her we needed to get her out of the house and do something, anything...she decided we should take a roadtrip to Evanston, Wyoming. (For those of you NOT from Utah, Evanston is just over the border and it's where all the repressed people go to buy porn and fireworks *LOL*)

So, we get in her car and we head for Wyoming. On the way we listen to 80's music, we sing, we car dance.....you heard me, car dance. This makes everyone else on the road look at us funny and laugh, I'm not sure why. My theory? Life is to short NOT to have fun..so car dance for gosh sake's.

Anyway...

We get to Evanston, grab a quick bite to eat at a local restaurant where we manage to convince the waitress that we are either high or drunk, when we are neither and then we're off to the local porn store. That's right intrepid readers...the porn store.

I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. I have however decided that the job I want is "sex toy namer". You know someone gets paid to just sit around and think up names like, "The Anal Intruder".....I mean come ON, you know whoever thought that up was laughing their butt off , or stoned, or most likely both. Stephanie and I were laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pants. There was this little vibrator shaped like a DOLPHIN....I'm not joking, a damned dolphin...and we were both making jokes about it:

"I wonder if it makes the noise...."insert me making dolphin noise here"

Stephanie: "Even better, I wonder if it makes YOU make the noise..."insert BOTH of us making dolphin noises here."

There was a store employee standing next to us and at this point he started cracking up.

We moved further up the aisle and at this point I spot...wait for it.... the Blow up Dolls. They had one named Two Ton Tammy. So the employee that we made laugh says: "They even make blow up sheep."

I reply, " Oh Lord, you're kidding, Do they come with Blow up velcro cowboy boots?"

He says: " I don't know, let me check."

The laughter is over the top at this point.....and he comes over with....you guessed it, BLOW UP SHEEP.....I thought I would die.

So yeah...it was a good day. I haven't laughed that hard in ages.

Well, not since the last time I hung out with Stephanie.

A little sad....

Having just realized that her best friend is on vacation this week, our intrepid blogger is a little sad. She realizes this means she will have no one to chat with while her son naps.

*moment of silence for the vacationing Stephanie*

Fun Words

This is my list of words in the English Language that are fun to say. I'll probably update it from time to time. You should try saying some of these words outloud for no reason at all, just to see how fun they are. (If you don't know what the word means, you can always look it up)

(1) lollygagger

(2) kumquat

(3) pfeffernusse (it's a cookie pe*fer*noose)

(4) nincompoop (and it's oh so fun derivation: nincompoopery)

(5) tomfoolery (yes, it is an actual word, I looked it up)

(6) bulbous ( even more fun when paired with the word bouffant and shared with a friend)

(7) mukluk

(8) idiosyncrasy ( this one has many fun derivations, play with them, roll them around on your tounge, make people stare at you....just makes the word more fun)

Well there you have the initial fun word list, I'll update it soon. If you have a word you think is fun ( and isn't a swear word, those don't count....) let me know, I'll add it to the list.

House Hunting in a small town

Russ and I have been trying to find a new place to rent for a month or so now and so far no luck. We thought we had found a place, but the owners are dragging their feet. They don't seem to actually want to rent the place. Last time I spoke with her, the owner said it would be at least a month (putting us into June) before the house would be ready, and that there were " a lot of interested applicants", so I'm guessing that's out. That leaves me with the unenviable task of having to find something else. This bums me out.

Everything in town is either to small or to expensive. So I decided to look at houses for sale. Well not actually houses, manufactured homes, but still. The problem: (1) down payment and (2) financing. I'm not working and Russ's credit has been screwed by that whore of an ex wife of his. ORS (I'll get to them in a minute) has his child support on his credit record, that could screw us before we even get out the door. But I have to try. The house payment on the one we're interested in would only be $170 a month, so even with utilities, we would only be paying about $400 a month, which would make it easy to pay the bills, even on one income.


All I know is I have to have someplace else to live before June 1st, when my daughter comes home. This trailer is not big enough and well, you've read the rest before.

And in other news:

Got a notice in the mail that ORS has DOUBLED Russ's child support payment, like we aren't barely making it now....so I called and talked to someone, and for the first time, I actually got some real information and some actual help. We'll see how that goes.

Okay, I'm done bitching now.

It Takes a Special Kind of Idiot.....(Do Not Watch if you are easily offended)

It takes a special kind of idiot to do something like this to himself. I'm betting he rode the short bus to school.

Special Note to any Shrinking Violets in the audience: Don't Watch This!!!!

It's a work of FICTION....

I've read The Da Vinci Code twice now. I still don't see what all the hype and outrage is about. It's a book. More over, it's a FICTIONAL book. I know that there are historians and scholars that claim Christ married and had a child, but this book...THIS particular piece of writing is FICTION. If peopel read it and get all confused then they should seriously think about therepy because if you can't seperate reality from fiction in your own mind, well......

I can understand why some people may not have wanted to read the book. They may have seen it as attacking the foundation of the Christian faith. I may not agree, but I respect their feelings. What I can't get behind is this sudden media driven push to stir up a controversy over a piece of FICTION!!!!

When Dan Brown comes out with a book he presents as fact, and then produces something he claims is hard evidence to back it up, then I will agree with people getting a little harried. Until that time, pull your panties out of your buttcheeks and sit down. It's a BOOK...for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!!!!

SHEESH!!!!!!

So yeah......

Well, here it is almost midnight and I'm still awake.....AGAIN. Anyone reading this surprised? No? Didn't think so. Moving on.

The day started out well, got some good news, got excited about that. Then it turns out the good news was falsely delivered....so yeah. I hate when people tell you something before they verify the facts, get your hopes all up and then WHAM!!! All of a sudden you're having a shitty ass day. What's up with that.

Now, as if having the rug YANKED out from under me isn't enough I get told...wait for it....I'm being irrational. So, let's recap shall we? I get told story A then arrive at my destination and am told that no, sorry, Story A was incorrect and you have to wait a week. This throws everything I have just planned for out of whack and puts in serious jeopardy several things. While this may not be said persons fault, it doesn't make the event any less real, or any less traumatic....right?

Then when said person begins to badger me about what's going on and I tell them it's nothing I want to discuss, they tell me I'm being irrational. God love lawyers.

I just want to find a nice quiet place to hunker down with a book and a tall glass of diet pepsi...is that so wrong?

God I need a vacation!!!

Have I ever mentioned?

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate waiting? I'm horrible about it. I want everything to happen right away, and when it doesn't it irritates me. Given that little fact, it's amazing I'm so happy being a mom. LOTS of patience required there.

Have I ever mentioned that I have a secret love of Romance Novels? Not ALL Romance Novels, just certain authors....it's one of my guilty little pleasures. I'm currently indulging that little pleasure, having read six of them in the last three days.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate wearing a bra? I really do, I hate them. If I could get away with it, I would never wear one again. I envy women with small, pert little breasts. They buy bras because they're cute and not because otherwise their boobs hang to their bellybuttons. That's just unfair. *shrug* On the other hand, I look much better in tank top or a strapless dress than they do.

Have I ever mentioned that underneath my ranting, somewhat liberal exterior beats the heart of a conservative? I KNOW. I was shocked too. It seems to only rear its ugly little head when matters involving children pop up. Strange, when I was young I was TOTALLY liberal. This may not bode well for the future.


Have I ever mentioned that sometimes I have a tendency to prattle on about nothing in particular?

Bees Wasps and Hornets .....Oh My!!!!

Yesterday is was BEAUTIFUL outside, I mean REALLY GORGEOUS!!! It was one of those nearly perfect days that you just want to spread a blanket out in the yard and lay in the sun soaking up the rays.

Well, I don't have a yard, and I'm in no shape to be laying out....not to mention I don't own anything to lay out in, so we opted for the take the child to the park option.

We took Jareth and went to the city park to play, it was good fun, we stayed for about two hours. He had a blast. After the park we decided to walk downtown and then out to Walmart to do some shopping.

Stopped and bought some summer clothes for the boy. Picked up a couple of DVD's. Stopped and had some lunch. Nothing extraordinary, right? (Well except for the stunning move I made at Subway where I managed to drop a piece of marinara covered meatball RIGHT onto my right breast. Left a HUGE stain. Yeah, that was fun. )

Anyway, we get all the way out to Walmart and we decide to stop in at Gamestop first, check and see what old Playstation games they have.....hang in there I swear this story is going somewhere.....

So we walk into the store, laughing, talking, blah blah blah...I walk over to where the Playstation games are and all of a sudden my arm hurts. I slap at my arm and kind of rub it and I say, " Shit, what the hell is wrong with my arm." Then it hurts again, sort of a sharp little pain, but nothing serious, just kind of weird, you know? I complain again, but pretty soon it goes away so I think nothing of it.

I'm standing there looking at movies and talking to this girl I know when she says, " You had a bee in your shirt." I look at her and say, "I had a what?"

She turns and points as the bee flys off through the store, " I tried to swat at it. It flew out of your shirt."

At this point my brain clicks on and I say, " Oh crap, I wonder if that's why my arm was hurting. I wonder if I got stung."

I lift up my shirt sleeve and sure enough, there it is, a bee sting. Well, not just A bee sting....FOUR beetings. Yeah, so it wasn't a bee, it was probably a wasp or something and it stung me four times, and apparantly I wasn't there enough to notice. How do you like that?

I haven't been stung by a bee since I was nine. I haven't been stung by anything since I was nine. And then WHAM four in one day. Big kicker here, the stings were gone in under two hours, totally vanished. You can't even tell I was stung at all.

What a thing.

It was still a nearly perfect day though.

This one is good for a laugh on a Friday, too

You have to wonder who has this kind of time on their hands.

This is Just Wrong.....Funny, But Wrong

Just watch the video.....*shakes her head* So funny, and still so wrong.

Genius I tell you, sheer Genius!!!!

The geniuses over at the Harvard Medical School have decided that chronic stress could help cause depression. Gee guys, you think???? I thought Harvard was for smart folk. You know, smarter than most....smarter than say, me....

I could have told you that chronic stress would contribute to and even CAUSE depression. How much grant money from the federal government do you suppose these idiots wasted on this brilliant piece of academic work?

Seriously people, I haven't seen something this stunning since the fabulous ketchup flow rate study of the 1980's.

Read the article. Basically, they made mice stressed out ( how hard do you supppose THAT is to do?) and then measured which ones seemed more depressed.

And I quote:

"Compared to the mice with short-term exposure, the mice with chronic exposure took much longer to emerge from a small dark compartment into a brightly lit open field. This is a common behavioral test of anxiety in animals. The results suggest that the mice with chronic exposure were more fearful and less willing to explore their new environment." (they are reffering to a hormone they gave the mice to simulate chronic stress)


And here's the kicker....they actually got PUBLISHED!!!!!!! And not in like Bob's Big Book of Crap We Already Knew. They got published in Behavioral Neuroscience. Must have been a slow month for the scientific community.

The Plight of the Fat Girl

I hope I lose this baby weight quickly because I seriously don't think I'm going to last long as a fat girl again. I've been browsing the "plus size" clothing that's out this summer and OH MY GOD!!! Can you say Ungodly Ugly Batman? I knew that you could. I want my damned jeans and my funky tshirts back....and I want them back now.

I refuse to walk around dressed like my grandmother!! *insert stomping of the foot here*

I will be back in my oh so cute size 12 jeans and my check out my great breasts tshirts by August if I have to go to the stupid gym every freaking day! *stomps foot once more for good measure and dramatic, childlike effect*

Okay, I feel better now.

Joe Cartoon

So I'm checking out Steph's blog tonight like I always do and she has a link to Joe Cartoons website posted. (click the title...go on, you know you want to) I haven't been there in ages, it was good fun.

You have to check out the new one, 10 Pump BB Gun and don't miss Live and Let Dive 2. You have to hunt for that one, but it's worth it.

If you've never been to this site before, spend some time, surf around, you'll be glad you did. If you've been before, but it's been awhile, reaquaint yourself...good times to be had by all.

UnSexy Men

Apparently two men wrote this list. Hmmmm.....now did they ask women or did they just decide they thought these men weren't sexy? Because I disagree with several of their choices, but then we've already established that I have slightly weird taste in men.

I actually had to look up several of the men on the list, most of them sports related...or politically affiliated. And I have to admit, I agree with the whole Brad Pitt thing. I really don't find him all that attractive. (Please reference weird taste in men comment)

Here's the list, see if you agree with it:(wuth occassional commentary by yours truly)

Complete List

001. Gilbert Gottfried (Come on, I think he's kind of cute...seriously)

002. Randy Johnson

003. Roger Ebert

004. Dr. Phil McGraw (Not what I would call *sexy* but not *unsexy* either)

005. Alan Colmes

006. Chad Kroeger (Sooooo do not agree with this one!!)

007. Mike Mills

008. Osama Bin Laden (Unsexy? How about Fucking EVIL???)

009. Jay Leno ( A sense of humor and great hair....)

010. Don Imus

011. Michael Jackson (Shivers...)

012. Wallace Shawn

013. Mike D. of the Beastie Boys

014. Richard Simmons (One of the gayest gay men ever)

015. Jon Lovitz ( Again, I think he's got something kind of cute goin on)

016. Carrot Top ( Two words Ick Y)

017. Jerry Seinfeld

018. Malcolm Gladwell (WHO?)

019. Chevy Chase (Totally shouldn't be on the list)

020. Raffi

021. Ron Howard (not really unsexy, just hard to get past the whole Richie Cunningham thing)

022. Clint Howard (Horror movie level not sexy)

023. Bill Gates ( There is a difference between seriously nerdy and not sexy...although Bill has BOTH)

024. Paul Shaffer

025. Axl Rose (Drugs will do that to you)

026. Tim Burton (Wierd, but kind of hot)

027. Edward James Olmos

028. Gerard Way

029. Don Zimmer

030. Tony Kornheiser

031. Chris Kattan

032. Otis Nixon

033. Julian Tavarez

034. Christopher Lloyd ( LOVE HIM)

035. Willie McGee

036. Pat Cummings

037. Scottie Pippen

038. Larry David

039. Michael Moore

040. Al Franken

041. Paris Latsis

042. Rush Limbaugh (Any one that finds this man sexy should seek immediate professional help)

043. David Gest

044. Gary Busey

045. Nick Nolte ( Have you seen the mugshot????)

046. Leif Garrett (One of my first loves, but honestly has gotten crusty in the old age)

047. Andy Dick (Just creepy)

048. Scott Stapp

049. Lyle Lovett

050. Ric Ocasek

051. Bill Wyman

052. Danny DeVito

053. Peter Jackson

054. Drew Carey ( Now this man is an example of Nerdy SEXY....)

055. Newt Gingrich

056. Rob Schneider

057. Ed O'Neil

058. Bill O'Reilly

059. Clay Aiken ( Santa's elf unsexy)

060. Joe Lieberman

061. Jim Gaffigan

062. Bill Maher

063. John Popper

064. Dennis Miller

065. John Madden

066. Robert Englund

067. Robert Patrick (Disagree...I'd do him)

068. John Ashcroft

069. Joe Gannascolli

070. Kevin James

071. George Steinbrenner

072. Grady Little

073. Harvey Pekar

074. DJ Qualls

075. Joey Buttafuoco

076. Garry Shandling

077. Meat Loaf Aday

078. Joe Walsh

079. Tom from Myspace

080. Art Garfunkel

081. Brian Posehn

082. Howie Mandel ( Definatly sexy since he went bald)

083. Barry Bonds

084. Dick Vitale

085. Richie "La Bamba" Rosenberg

086. Jeff Van Gundy

087. Jimmy Johnson

088. John Clayton

089. Don Vito

090. Lemmy Kilmister

091. Jose Canseco

092. Bill Parcells

093. Ric Flair

094. Ralph Nader

095. Dennis Kacinich

096. Horatio Sanz

097. Dom DeLuise

098. Emeril Lagasse

099. Kevin Federline (white trash nasty unsexy)

100. Brad Pitt ( had his moments, but not sexy....Fight Club, I could see it...but not on my top ten list)

The Boobie Fairy

The Boobie Fairy arrived sometime last night. I was hoping to avoid that particular side effect of pregnancy this time, I'm not sure why I was deliusional, but there you have it. Now I have boobs twice their normal size and I get to milk myself like a cow every day for the next week or so.

To much information???? *shrug* Ahh well, as uncomfortable as I am right now, I feel the need to spread it around, even if it is only intellectually in the form of unsettling images. HonestlY? If it wouldn't border on pornographic I would probably post before and after images. *laughs* (Those of you who know me know I'm kidding now)

I called the local gym today to find out if they have a trainer on staff who can keep me from killing myself when I start working out to lose the MASSIVE amount of weight I gained....I am going to post before and after shots of that, because it will be worth it. I mean for the love of Bob...I have FAT FEET!!!!!! Do you know how depressing that is? Fat feet, I never even knew my feet could gain weight. I'm a little disgusted and at the same time fascinated.

I have a feeling that a lot of time will be devoted to talking about my body and it's radical and sometimes disgusting shifts over the next months.....look away now if you have a weak stomach.

Fair warning has been given.

New Baby!

I had the baby on Friday, April 14th, at 3:09 p.m. I tried to post pictures to this posting, but for some reason, they wouldn't come up. Sooooo, I have linked this post to the post on Stephanie's Blog that contains pictures of Genevive, James and Judy.

Genevive weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and was 20 inches long. She's got beautiful, alert blue eyes and a full head of soft brown hair. In short, she's perfect. James and Judy are the picture of new parents, always watching her, checking her toes and looking at her fingers, it's very sweet.

Judy is going to be THE mom. You know the one. She was the ultimate...you would go over to that particular friends house for sleepover and there was always something cool to do...a craft project, cookies to bake, a new game they had invented...something GREAT!!! Yeah, that will sooo be Judy!

And James...well, James is going to be that dad we all envied our friends for having. The one they all pretended to be embarrassed about, but you knew they were proud to have them. The dad that chaperones the dances, but manages not to get in the way. The dad that takes time out of his Saturday to drive his preteen daughter and five of her giggly friends to the mall...all by himself. The dad that threatens to break the legs of the first boyfriend that makes her cry...he never really does it, but just knowing he would makes her feel better. Yeah, that's James.

Genevive is one very lucky little girl. Her life will be filled with art and color and love and she will grow up knowing that the world can be a special wonderful place.

Russ and I will miss her each day, but knowing where she is and all that she is blessed with, we will smile everytime we think of her and her family.

My son had a nightmare tonight. He woke up crying and scared and he wanted me to snuggle him. I can't even explain what that feeling is like, to have this tiny, precious little person look at me with such trust and love.

It's humbling.

So I snuggled him. We sat in the Big Comfy Chair and watched a movie until he fell asleep, and then I just watched him sleep for a little while.

When I was young I thought the world was about getting a job that paid a lot, about having tons of people like you....and then I had children. Now I know that life is about making sure the people you love are safe and secure. God entrusted me with these two precious lives, made them mine to care for and I couldn't have asked for a better job.

I'm a mommy. No matter what else I accomplish in my life time, nothing will ever match the importance or the accomplishment of that.

If you have children, and you read this...take time tonight to just watch them sleep, it's a miracle right there in your own home.